


Dreaming of You

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-07-14 06:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 23,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7156661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae returns to Stamford after her first year at uni, where she rekindles her old unrequited crush on Finn through some frustratingly sexy dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Hiya!” Chloe said when she greeted me at the train station. She hugged me even though my arms were full.

“Hiya,” I said back, struggling under the weight of my luggage.

“Come on, I’ve parked ‘round the side.” She took off without offering to help me carry anything, and I trailed behind her.

She did help me load my bags into the boot of her car before driving me back to her house, though. She still lived with her parents, but I didn’t blame her. Her parents’ house was huge, and they didn’t treat her like a child.

I was staying with her for the summer while my mum and Karim were still in Tunisia. (His work contract got extended, and they’d rented out our house.) I knew her parents didn’t like me that much, so it was awfully nice of them to let me stay.

“So, is the gang all back, now?” I asked as we drove.

“Archie’s coming back Friday,” she said. “So we’re having a little get together at Izzy and Chop’s flat Friday night.”

“That sounds fun,” I said.

“Also, I told Finn we’d meet up with him at the pub tonight,” she added. “That is, if you’re feeling up to it after your trip.”

“Yeah, I’m alright.”

I didn’t feel like mentioning that I was nervous about seeing Finn again. The thing was, I’d sort of totally been in love with him back at college, but I never said anything because we were mates. Then when I left for uni, we said we were going to keep in touch, but we just never did. There were a couple of phone calls and a letter or two, but then nothing. I hadn’t heard from him in months.

Which was fine. I was over it. I’d accepted that not only would we never be lovers, we would no longer be close friends, either. He’d just be my schoolmate who I’d see at summertime and that was it.

I got my bags unpacked in the guest room and showered—the guest room had an en-suite bath, imagine that—before heading out to the pub.

***

Chloe and I got there before Finn, so she sat down at a table while I went and got our drinks. As I was heading back, I saw him enter the pub and walk over to where she was sitting. I stopped in my tracks. My god, he was still incredibly fit. Maybe he was even more so than before.

“Rae,” I heard Chloe call my name. “Rae!”

I came over with the drinks. “Sorry,” I said. “I must’ve spaced out.”

“Hiya,” Finn said, coming around the table to give me a hug. “How’ve you been?”

I felt all tingly. “Good, yeah.”

“How’s uni?”

“Good. It’s hard, but fun,” I said. “What are you up to these days?”

“Just working, you know. Paying the rent and all that.” He excused himself to go get a drink.

“I think he hates his job,” Chloe said to me quietly. “I mean, I don’t know for sure, ‘cause I hardly ever see him, but he doesn’t really talk about it much.”

“Why do you hardly see him?”

“I dunno,” she said. “You and Archie left, and Chop and Izzy sort of coupled off, which just left me and Finn. We’ve never really had that much in common. I know I used to fancy him, but it never would have worked out.” She took a sip of her drink. “I actually thought the two of you would have made a good couple.”

“You what?” I said.

“Come on, I know you fancied him too, don’t pretend like you didn’t.”

“Yeah, but he’d never look at me that way. I’m one of the lads.” I looked over to where he was standing by the bar, waiting for his drink. “I mean, look at him. There’s no way someone like that could ever be interested in me.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Rae,” she said. “You’re clever and funny and you know everything about music.”

“But I’m not exactly hot, am I?”

“Do you really think Finn is that shallow?”

“No,” I said. “I think I’m just that ugly.”

“Rae…”

“Do you know I’ve never had sex with a guy with the lights on?”

“What?” said Finn as he sat down beside me.

“Jesus, Finn, you startled me,” I said, embarrassed.

“Did you just say you’ve never had sex with the light on?” he asked.

“No, I was talking about someone else.”

“Alright, then.”

***

The three of us chatted for a couple of hours before Finn had to leave.

“I’ll see yous Friday, yeah?” he said.

“Yeah,” said Chloe. “See you then.”

Chloe and I walked back to her place, and I went straight to the guest room. I was knackered with all the traveling I’d done. It was nice seeing my old friends again, though. Sure, I’d made some new friends at uni, but it just wasn’t the same.

I fell asleep in my clothes, on top of the duvet.

“Why’d you fall asleep in your clothes?” Finn asked.

I squinted in the bright light and looked at him, confused. “Where’d you come from?” I said. “What are you doing in Chloe’s house?”

“I came to see you,” he said. “Why’d you fall asleep in your clothes?”

“I was tired.”

“Aren’t you gonna take them off?”

“Am I what?” I rubbed my eyes.

He reached his arm behind him to grab the neck of his shirt and pulled it off over his head.

“What are you doing?” I said.

“I came to see you.”

“Yeah, alright, but why are you taking your shirt off?”

“Don’t you want to have sex with the light on, Rae?”

My eyes went wide. “What?”

He started to remove his trousers.

“Finn, what’s going on?”

“Aren’t you going to take your clothes off?”

I thought about it for a moment and shrugged. I tried to unbutton my shirt, but I couldn’t move my arms. “What’s happening?”

“You have to wake up, first, silly.”

“Oh, right.”

I woke up, but the room was dark and there was no sign of Finn. I was momentarily disappointed, but then completely relieved that it was just a dream. It was strange though. I hadn’t had a dream like that about Finn in almost a year.

It was probably just because he was the last guy I had seen. It could have just as easily been Archie if he had been the last. (I will admit to having had sexy dreams about Archie even after finding out he was gay, but those kind of dreams don’t really make much sense to begin with.)

This dream was different though. Usually in a sex dream I got to actually, you know, have sex. I didn’t get told to wake up before it even happens.

I shook my head, switched on a lamp, and went to find my pyjamas before getting back into bed properly. I thought about the dream some more as I drifted off to sleep, and wondered what would have happened if I had just accepted it from the beginning instead of asking so many questions.


	2. Chapter 2

Friday night arrived sooner than I expected. I was looking forward to seeing Archie and the gang, though. Archie was the only one I’d really kept in touch with, except Chloe. He and I would talk on the phone once a week and we’d just started sending emails back and forth from the schools’ computers. We’d chat about uni and boys we liked and stuff. My roommate thought it was cool that I had a gay friend. She said she’d never met a gay person in real life before, but that she wanted to. (I made a mental note to keep her away from Archie.)

Chloe and I got to Izzy and Chop’s place just before eight. Archie and Finn were already there. We greeted everyone and I gave Archie an extra long hug, I’d just missed him so much.

I caught everyone up on what I was doing at uni—not much—as we sat around the living room. There was only a small loveseat, and Chloe and Archie were sitting there, so the rest of us sat on the floor on cushions.

“So, a little birdie told me that Archie has a boyfriend,” Chop said with a smirk.

Archie scowled at me and I averted my eyes. I hadn’t told Chop, but I had told Chloe, which was about the same as telling everyone.

“Ooh, who is it?” said Izzy excitedly. “Is he cute?”

“Yes, his name is Rob, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” said Archie, folding his arms.

The others gushed about it and pestered him to tell them more. I already knew everything about him, though.

Rob was a few years older than Archie—he was a grad student working as assistant to one of Archie’s History professors. Technically, they weren’t supposed to be dating because Rob could potentially grade Archie’s papers, but he swore that he always traded them with another teaching assistant if they wound up in his grading pile. I could understand why Archie didn’t really want to tell everyone about it, though, since it wasn’t exactly public knowledge.

When Archie got up to get another drink from the kitchen, I followed him.

“Sorry,” I said shamefully. “I just brought it up once to Chloe that you had a boyfriend, but I forgot to mention that it was a secret.”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” he said. “It’s not like I expect any of them to rat me out. I just don’t like people knowing all my business, you know?”

“But you let me know all your business,” I said.

“Yeah, but you’re not people, are you?” he said.

“Thanks?” I wasn’t sure if I should be insulted.

“You know, you’re one of my best mates.”

“I thought Finn was your best mate.”

“He is, but he doesn’t want to hear about the blokes that I fancy, or which one of us is top and which is bottom—“

“Archie,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Nobody wants to hear about which of you is top or bottom. Even I don’t want to know that. I do know, but I don’t want to.”

“Gee, thanks,” he said with a laugh.

When I got back to my seat I noticed that Finn was leaning over on his arm almost all the way to my cushion. I sat down and he looked at me.

“Everything alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I said.

He was so close that I could smell him. It brought back memories of the days we would spend hanging out in his room. His whole room smelled like Finn, especially his bed. I used to love lying on his bed, just breathing him in while we listened to records.

The others had moved onto talking about Chloe’s boyfriend now. His name was Jeremy and she’d met him at business school and he sounded like a twat but I didn’t want to be the one to tell her.

“What about you, then, Raemundo?” said Chop. “Got a boyfriend?”

“Ooh, Rae, have you?” Izzy asked eagerly.

“Not at the moment, no I haven’t,” I said with a laugh.

Izzy looked disappointed.

I looked over at Finn next to me. “What about you?”

“I haven’t got a boyfriend either,” he said.

“I meant have you got a girlfriend, you knobhead,” I said as I nudged him with my shoulder.

“Not really, no,” he said.

“What does ‘not really’ mean?” asked Chloe.

“No, I haven’t,” he clarified. “Not right now, anyway.”

“Oh, but there is someone you’re interested in,” she said, seeming intrigued.

“There’s no one.”

“Well, then the two of you are boring. Maybe you should just pair off and be done with it.”

“What?” I said, and she wiggled her eyebrows at me.

“Relax,” said Finn. “She’s clearly joking.”

“Yeah, alright, very funny, Chloe.”

She appeared pleased with herself.

***

We ended up leaving at half one and Finn offered to walk us all the way back to Chloe’s house.

“But that’s way past your flat,” she said. “You’d have to double back.”

“I don’t mind, really.”

“We’re fine,” I said.

“But what if someone tries to come at ya?” he said. “The streets aren’t safe at night, you know.”

“Nothing ever happens in Stamford, Finn.”

“If someone comes at us, I’ll just hit ‘em with my handbag,” said Chloe.

He was reluctant but he turned off in the direction of his flat anyway as we continued on. It was kind of far to Chloe’s house, much farther than my mum’s place. It was nearly two by the time we got in.

I went straight to bed again, though this time I did change into my pyjamas first.

That was probably how I found myself in my pyjamas back at Chop and Izzy’s. The gang was all there, but I was the only one in my pyjamas, for some reason. No one seemed to notice, though.

We were playing Spin the Bottle—weren’t we too old for this? At any rate, we were playing it, and Finn kept kissing everyone except me. He went every single turn. He even kissed Archie, which, I’m not going to lie, wasn’t terrible to watch.

Then the bottle landed on me. But who was I going to end up with? Chop? I thought Izzy would tear my eyes out. Archie? Been there, done that. Chloe? Also been there, done that. Come on, Finn. Come on, Finn.

“Finn!” Chop exclaimed when it landed on Finn. “You two get to go into the cupboard!”

I tried to read Finn’s face to see how reluctant he was to be doing this, but he was too stoic. I followed him into the cupboard—wait, wasn’t this the cupboard in my mum’s house? We’d been here before…

“Finn, I just wanted to say—“

“Don’t talk, we haven’t got much time,” he said.

“What?”

He kissed me and pressed me against the wall. He quickly undid his trousers and let them fall to the floor, and then he pulled down my pyjama bottoms.

“Turn around,” he said.

“What’s going on?” I asked as he turned me around so my back was facing him. It was difficult what with it being such a small cupboard.

“I’m going to fuck you against this wall.”

“You what?”

“I said I’m going to fuck you, alright?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, alright.”

There was knocking at the cupboard door. “Raemundo,” said Chop. “It’s time to wake up.”


	3. Chapter 3

The Finn-based sex dreams were starting to happen every night, even days when I didn’t see him at all. And every time we’d get interrupted. Sometimes it was something within the dream, and sometimes it was Chloe waking me up to tell me what stupid thing her boyfriend had done last night, but at any rate, nothing was going down, so to speak.

I figured I had to tell someone about it, but if I told Chloe there’d be no way that Finn wouldn’t find out. I mean, bless her, but she’s just not that good at keeping secrets. It was time to talk to “Uncle Archie.”

Archie agreed to meet me for coffee one afternoon. (We never used to drink coffee, but after starting uni, it became a necessary habit.)

“So I keep having these dreams, right?” I said to him. “They’re, like, sexy dreams, yeah? Always with the same guy. And we always get interrupted before anything can happen.”

“Who is it?” he asked. “Is it that handsome prat from your Shakespeare class?”

“No, it doesn’t matter who it is. What do you think it means?”

“Well, I think that depends who it is. Is it someone I know?”

I looked down at my mug and pursed my lips.

“It’s not me, is it?”

“No, Archie, it’s not you!”

“That might have explained the interruptions, is all,” he said. “He’s not gay, is he?”

“No!” I said. “Not that I know of.”

“Oh my god, is it Finn?”

I looked away again.

“Oh my god, it’s Finn!”

“Keep your voice down, alright?”

“I knew it. I fucking knew it.”

“You knew what?”

“I knew you fancied him.”

“No I don’t,” I said. “I’ve just been having these dreams, is all. I just want to know what they mean.”

“You want to know what your sex dreams about Finn mean?” he asked. “They mean you want to have sex with Finn.”

“It’s not that simple, Archie. Dreams aren’t that literal.”

“Bollocks. I knew I fancied Rob because I kept having sexy dreams about him, yeah?”

“That’s different. You’re a guy, and guys’ brains are simpler than girls’ brains.”

He frowned at me. “Thanks.”

“You know what I mean. Girls are more subtle about their feelings.”

“Yeah, I don’t think there’s anything subtle about endlessly recurring sex dreams, alright?” he said. “So it’s either that you fancy him or it’s just been a really long time since you’ve gotten any.”

“Oi!”

He laughed.

***

Archie and I left after we’d finished our coffees and started walking down the street with our arms linked.

“I’ve missed this, Archie,” I said. “Why don’t you transfer schools so we can spend every day together?”

“My parents would literally shit themselves if I did that,” he said. “Besides, there’s Rob…”

“Screw him. You were mine first,” I said and kissed him on the cheek.

“Lovebirds!” Finn called from across the road. He jogged over to us. “What are you two up to?”

“We just went for a coffee,” I said casually, hoping I wasn’t blushing as I remembered the last dream I’d had about him.

“Coffee?” Finn said as though it was the most disgusting thing he’d ever heard. “Are you proper uni folks now, drinking coffee?”

“As a matter of fact, we are,” I replied, squeezing Archie’s arm.

“Right, well, I was just heading to the pub, if you two’d care to join me.”

“I’ve got to get going,” Archie said. “But I’ll see you soon, yeah?” He turned to give me a kiss on the cheek, and Finn patted him on the arm.

“Laters,” Finn said to Archie, and then turned to me. “Right then. Pub?”

I shrugged and he smiled. (Dammit, Finn, don’t smile at me! It was no wonder my feelings were so confused all the time when he did stuff like that.)

We got to the pub and I sat down at a table while Finn went to order our drinks. It was fairly quiet; it was just before the five o’clock rush.

When he got back, he sat on the same side of the table as me, which I thought was weird since there was no one else with us.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” he said seriously, staring into his glass.

“For what?” I asked.

“For not keeping in touch with you this past year. I wanted to, but every time I thought to call or write you, I couldn’t think of anything to say. My life is so boring, and I figured you had new friends who were clever and that, and you didn’t really need me holding you back.”

“Finn, that’s ridiculous. You don’t hold me back. And I wasn’t very good about calling you either, so I’m sorry for that, too.”

“We aren’t too good at the long-distance communication thing, are we?” he laughed. Then he started tracing letters on my forearm. O…H… W…E…L…L.

I smiled. “Maybe we can try harder this year.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” he said.

“Besides,” I added, raising my glass. “We’ve still got all summer.”

“Cheers.”

We clinked our glasses together and I laughed.

“You should come ‘round to mine when you get a chance,” he said. “I’ve got a whole bunch of new records I’ve been dying to show you.”

“Yeah, alright,” I said.

“Are you free today?”

I pretended to think about it for a minute. In reality, I had zero plans from now until the end of summer, but I wanted him to think I had a life. “Yeah, I think I’m available.”

***

We finished our drinks and headed to his flat. It was the same one he’d moved into before I went off to uni. I remember him being so excited about it, especially the fridge for some reason.

“Wow, it looks the same in here,” I said when I walked in.

“Not really,” he said. “I’ve changed the posters around a bit.”

“My mistake.”

“Have a seat, then.”

I took a seat on his second-hand sofa while he went over to his record player to put something on.

“Spaceman” by Babylon Zoo came on and I groaned.

“I hate you,” I said to him.

He smiled at me. “Is this no longer your favourite?”

“I have no problem with murdering you, you know that, right?”

“Alright, alright.” He turned it off and put on something I’d never heard before. “Can I get you anything?”

“Just a glass of water, if it’s no trouble.”

He went into the kitchen and came back with two glasses of water. He handed one to me before he sat down beside me. “Do you like it?”

“The water?” I asked after I swallowed my first sip.

“The music,” he laughed.

“Yeah,” I said. “What is it?”

“Super Furry Animals,” he replied. “They’re Welsh.”

“It’s interesting.”

He sat back and stretched his right arm across the back of the sofa behind me. “I thought you might like it.”

I gave him a tight-lipped smile and drank more of my water.

“I have sort of a weird question,” he said, “but do you like Star Wars?”

“What?”

“The new Star Wars movie is coming out soon, Episode One, and I was wondering if you might like to come over and watch the original three with me before it does.”

I frowned at him. “Are you a geek?”

“I’m not a geek,” he said defensively. “I just like Star Wars, is all.”

“Is Star Wars the one with Luke Skyscraper or Spock?”

“Skywalker. And I’ll take that as a no, then.”

“I didn’t say that.” I rolled my glass between my hands. “Are you inviting the whole gang to come over?”

He shook his head. “Just you.”

“I’ll think about it.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You made it!” Finn said when I arrived at his flat.

“’Course I did,” I said with a smile. “I couldn’t pass up the chance to watch _Star Wars_ , could I?”

He looked confused for a second. “What? Oh, right, right.”

I came in and sat down on the sofa and he sat next to me. I looked around but I couldn’t see his TV. I could have sworn he had a TV before.

“Finn, how’re we supposed to watch Star Wars if you haven’t got a TV?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, looking down at his hands. “I forgot about that.”

I frowned. “How could you forget something like that?”

A smile crept across his face. “You aren’t really here to watch _Star Wars_ , though, are ya?”

“What d’you mean?”

He quickly pulled his shirt off over his head and started kissing me. It was surprising to say the least.

He ran his hand slowly up my leg and under my skirt. He had almost made it to my… lady area… when there was a knock at the door.

“Leave it,” I told him, holding onto his head as we kissed. I wasn’t getting interrupted out of this one.

But the door must have been unlocked, because Chloe walked in. “I can’t believe you’re still sleeping,” she said. “It’s nearly half eleven.”

I opened my eyes to look at her, grumbled, and turned over in bed. Shit.

***

“Where are you off to?” Chloe asked me. She caught me on my way out of the house with a backpack full of beer cans that were sloshing and clanging around.

“I’m just going to Finn’s,” I said as casually as I could.

“Any particular reason?”

“Just to hang out, watch some movies.” I knew she’d take the piss if she found out we were going to watch _Star Wars_.

“When are you going to be back?”

“Dunno, really.”

“Okay,” she said, eyeing me suspiciously. “Well, I’m going to be out with Jeremy for a few hours, so don’t worry if I’m not here when you get back.”

“Alright.”

I made my way to Finn’s place and he greeted me at the door with a hug.

“Here, you might want to put these in the fridge,” I said, handing him my bag. “They kind of got shaken up on the walk over.”

He took the bag from me and I sat down on the sofa. He brought me a beer that he’d already had in his fridge and sat down with me.

“Ready?” he asked, poising his hand over the remote control.

“Yeah, go for it.”

He pressed play and the film started.

“Ugh, is there going to be a lot of reading involved in this?” I whined.

“It’s just this part, now shh!”

***

Three VHS tapes, one pizza, and many, many cans of beer later, the films were over. I was practically falling asleep on Finn’s shoulder.

“You made it,” he said, resting his head on mine. “How was your first time?”

“What?”

“Your first time watching _Star Wars_. How was it?”

“Oh, great, great,” I said, lacking enthusiasm. I was just so tired.

“I think you should probably sleep here tonight.”

I yawned and he laughed.

“You can take my bed and I’ll sleep on the sofa,” he said.

I lifted my head and looked down at the sofa beneath us. “It’s not long enough for you,” I said. “I’ll sleep here, you take the bed.”

“Don’t be daft, you’re no shorter than me.”

“Well, then maybe we should both sleep in the bed, right?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s no big deal, I’ve slept in beds with friends before.” (Just with people like Chloe, but still. Same difference, right?)

“Alright, yeah,” he said.

I stood up and wobbled a bit, and I nearly fell back onto the sofa but he steadied me.

“Thanks,” I said, though I realized his hand was on my bum.

He must not have realized, though, because he didn’t remove it. I walked away towards the bedroom and he followed after turning lights off in the living room.

I hadn’t been in his bedroom since he lived with his dad. It was a lot neater than I expected it to be, but that could be because all his stuff didn’t need to be crammed into a single room anymore. He had a whole flat for that.

“Which side do you prefer?” I asked, nodding my head towards the bed.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” he said.

I took the left and he got into bed on the right. We were lying side by side on our backs as I stared up at the ceiling. It was so surreal being here. I started to think about those dreams I’d been having and I got nervous. What if I had one of those dreams while I was here? What if I started molesting him in my sleep?

“Goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight.” I turned to my side so my back was facing him, figuring I should just try to ignore the fact that he was there so I could actually get to sleep.

He made that difficult, however, because he started spooning me.

What the fuck?

“Uh, Finn?” I said.

“Yeah?”

“What’re you doing?”

He had his arm around my waist, which worried me a little. I usually didn’t let people touch my stomach. But he felt nice and warm against me.

“Is this not alright?” he said.

“No, it’s fine, I guess.”

He didn’t seem to think this was weird. I knew he tended to get more tactile when he was drunk, but this was a little extreme. I wondered if maybe it was more than that.

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

I took a deep breath. “Do you like me?”

“Of course I like you, Rae. You’re one of my best mates.”

“I mean, do you like me more than that?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Finn?”

“I… I don’t—“

“Well, you’re kind of giving me mixed signals here!”

He pressed his lips into my shoulder and then let go of me and rolled away to his other side.

I felt humiliated and I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. There was no way I was letting him know how much that hurt.

***

I must have finally drifted off because the next thing I remembered was hearing my name and opening my eyes. It was light out.

“Rae,” Finn repeated, shaking my arm. “Rae?”

“What is it? What do you want from me?” I whined.

“I wanted to tell you something.”

I rolled onto my back and looked at him. “What?”

“I do like you more than just as mates,” he said.

“You what?”

“I’m saying I like you.”

“Are you serious? Am I dreaming right now?”

He frowned in confusion. “No. I mean, yes, and no.”

I sat up a bit, annoyed. “Well, why couldn’t you have said so last night?”

“I was sort of drunk last night,” he said, sitting up as well. “And I didn’t want you to think I was only saying it ‘cause of that.”

“You made me feel like shit, Finn.”

“I’m sorry.” He kissed me on my shoulder again. “I’m really sorry.”

I sat up fully. “Alright, whatever.”

“So,” he said, sweeping my hair back behind my shoulder. “Do you like me, then?”

This was definitely a dream. I mean, I felt pretty awake, but sometimes dreams can do that to you.

I turned my head to face at him and was looking at me hopefully. “Yeah, of course I do,” I said.

A smile crept into the corners of his mouth. His face was centimeters away from mine and I couldn’t take it all in at once. I kept fixating on his lips.

He tilted his head slightly and inched slowly closer. It was like time was moving in slow motion. It took for-bloody-ever for him to finally kiss me on the lips, softly at first.

His face smelled like Finn turned up to eleven. It was incredible. I just wanted to breathe him forever.

I was beginning to suspect this wasn’t a dream—my dreams were never this vivid and detailed—when the phone rang. The interruption suggested that it was a dream, however. But normally I would wake up right about now. I pinched myself and it hurt.

He reached over and picked up the receiver from his bedside table. “Hello?… Oh, hey, Chloe… Rae? Yeah she’s here… Did you want to speak to her?... Alright, then. See ya.”

“That was Chloe?” I asked when he hung up.

“Yeah, she wanted to know where you were since you never made it back to hers last night.”

“Did she sound mad?”

“I don’t know. I think she was more concerned.”

“I should probably get back.”

I found my backpack in the living room and got my shoes on. He stood in front of the door, blocking my exit.

“Can I see you again, then?” he said.

“Of course you will.”

He smiled and started to open the door, but when I went to walk past he kissed me again. “See you later, yeah?”

I smiled back. “Yeah.”

As I left the building and headed down the street, it hit me: I kissed Finn. For real. Finn. The boy I’d fancied for years. My friend, Finn. It really happened.

I had to tell Chloe. Or Archie.

Wait, what if he didn’t want people to know? What if he eventually realized it was a mistake and never wanted to see me again? What if this was all some sort of elaborate joke? I couldn’t risk telling anyone and being humiliated like that.

As far as anyone was concerned, including myself, it never happened.


	5. Chapter 5

“Are you coming to the pub with us or what?” Chloe asked me, sitting on my bed.

I was still under the covers like I had been all day. “No.”

“What’s the matter with you? You’ve not been out with us in ages.”

“I saw everyone last week.”

“Are you sick of us, then?” She nudged me.

“I’m just tired.”

“You’re always in bed, lately,” she said seriously. “I’m starting to worry about you.”

“There’s no need to worry, I’m fine,” I said.

“Then come get a drink with us.” She pulled on my arm. “Just one drink. I won’t take no for an answer.”

I groaned. “Fine, one drink and that’s it. I’m leaving.”

“Hurry up, the gang’ll be waiting for us.”

***

We got to the pub and, sure enough, the rest of the gang was already there. Chop and Izzy, Archie, Finn… I hadn’t seen or talked to Finn since we kissed, and that was several days ago.

“Y’alright there, Raemundo?” Chop said. “Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve just been busy,” I lied.

Chloe looked at me judgmentally but didn’t say anything.

“Well, grab a drink and sit down,” he said.

I went to the bar to order Chloe’s and my drinks. Finn followed me.

“I’d give you a hug, but I don’t know if you’ve been sick or summat,” he said. “I haven’t seen you for days.”

“I’m fine, I’ve just been busy,” I said.

“Look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you—“

“It’s alright. I get it.”

“Get what?”

“You were just residually drunk from the night before or something and it was a mistake. I get it.”

“You think it was a mistake?”

“Don’t you?” I picked up our drinks and headed back over to the table.

“Does Rae know yet?” Izzy said as I sat down.

“I haven’t told her, no,” said Archie.

“Haven’t told me what?” I asked.

“Archie’s boyfriend’s coming to town for a few days,” she said excitedly.

“Really? Do your parents know about him, then?” I said to him.

“No,” he laughed.

“Then how is he going to stay with you?”

“He isn’t…”

“He’s staying with me,” Finn said when he finally rejoined us.

“What? In your tiny flat?” I said.

“So?”

“Where’s he supposed to sleep? Are you going to cuddle up in your bed?”

“No,” he said, frowning. “He can take my room and I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“I thought we’d already established that sofa’s not big enough for you to sleep on,” I said, louder than I intended.

“It’s fine, I’ve slept on it before. Besides, it’s only for a few days.”

“But—“

“Do you have some sort of problem with Rob coming to visit?” Archie asked me.

“No, I was just surprised, is all,” I said, calming down. “I’m happy for you, Archie.”

“Are you sure you want him staying with Finn, though?” Chloe said teasingly. “I mean look,”—she grabbed Finn’s chin—“he’s so handsome.”

Finn scoffed.

“Don’t you think he’s handsome, Archie?”

Archie shook his head but smiled, like the question itself was stupid.

“Archie’s handsome too,” Izzy interjected.

“He what?” said Chop.

“I don’t fancy him or anything, I’m just saying.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Archie, but he’s just throwing Rob into Finn’s handsome arms, isn’t he?” Chloe joked.

“I have no interest in stealing Archie’s boyfriend,” Finn said. I could see his ears were reddening.

“And I appreciate that,” said Archie.

Chloe gave me a look of satisfaction, apparently pleased with herself for getting everyone riled up.

“When is he visiting?” I asked Archie.

“Thursday. He’s staying for the weekend.”

“So are we having a party or what?” said Chop.

“I just kind of wanted to spend some time alone with him.”

“So we don’t all get to meet him?” Izzy asked, disappointed.

“I didn’t say that—“

“Then we’re having a party,” Chop added with a grin.

Archie rolled his eyes.

***

When I finished my drink, I told everyone that I had to go.

“What? You only just got here,” Archie said.

“I’ve really gotta go,” I said. Being around Finn was making me feel anxious.

“Hold on,” Finn said as I got up. “I’ll come with you.” He finished the last couple gulps of his drink and followed me out.

“You don’t have to come with me,” I told him.

“But I need to talk to you, Rae,” he said, walking alongside me at a quick pace.

“About what?”

“’About what?’ You know what!”

“If it’s about the other day, I already told you, I get it.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t get it.”

I stopped and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I kissed you because I wanted to,” he said. “It wasn’t a mistake. At least, it wasn’t for me.”

“How is that possible?”

He frowned at me, confused.

“You heard it yourself,” I said. “You’re ‘handsome,’ and I’m, well…”

“You’re beautiful, Rae.”

I scoffed this time. “Yeah, right.”

“I mean it.”

“But I’m… I’m fat, Finn.”

He stared at me for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed. “So?”

“So, that makes me ugly.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“All my life, people have told me I’d be pretty if I just ‘lost a few pounds.’”

“Then those people are idiots.” He picked up my hands in his. “You can’t let a few dickheads determine if you’re beautiful or not.”

I smiled a little. “So, just one dickhead, then?”

“Are you calling me a dickhead?”

“Maybe.”

I flashed him a look that said “so what?” and he kissed me. Right there in the middle of the road where the whole world could see us, he kissed me.

“I’ll see you later, then, yeah?” he said. “For real this time.”

“Yeah…”


	6. Chapter 6

“You’re beautiful, Rae,” Finn said to me as I lay on his bed.

“I don’t believe you,” I said, turning my face away.

“I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” He kissed my shoulder and neck and ran his hand up my leg.

“Oh, Finn.”

“Rae,” he said. “Rae?”

“What?”

“Rae?”

“What?”

“The phone’s for you,” said Chloe, waking me up. “It’s Finn.” She handed me the cordless phone with a shrug.

“Hiya,” I said when I took it, trying to sound like I hadn’t just been dreaming about him. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. “Have you told Chloe about us? She seemed confused that I was calling.”

“No, I haven’t said anything to anyone.” We’d been kind of dating for three days. (It was pretty much the same as when we usually hung out, except there was kissing.)

“Have you?” I asked.

“I told Archie last night,” he said. “I hope that’s alright.”

“Yeah, sure.” I worried that Archie would be mad I hadn’t told him, but I didn’t mention it to Finn. “So am I coming over tonight?”

“Today’s Thursday, remember?”

“So?”

“Archie’s boyfriend is staying tonight, so you can’t really come ‘round.”

“Oh, right.”

“But I’ll see you at the party tomorrow, yeah? Maybe we can tell everyone then.”

“Yeah, alright. See you then.”

I hung up and immediately dialed Archie’s number. His mother answered.

“Oh, hi, is Archie there? It’s Rae.”

She told me to hold on while she went to get him.

“Rae?” he said when he picked up the phone.

“Archie, I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Finn, but I just didn’t want everyone to know until we had things sorted out, and please don’t hate me.”

“It’s fine, I’m not mad,” he said, though I could swear he sounded annoyed. “So how was it?”

“What do you mean?”

He lowered his voice. “How was it finally having S-E-X with Finn?” he said, as if spelling it out would ensure his parents wouldn’t hear him.

“Archie!”

“What?”

“One, that is none of your business, and two, we haven’t done it yet. We’ve only been together for three days.”

“Yeah, but you’ve known him for three years, Rae. It’s different.”

“So are you saying it’s weird we haven’t done it?”

“I dunno. I just thought after all your dreams that that’s what you wanted.”

“Oh no, Archie. What if my dreams were a premonition?” I said. “What if, no matter how many times we try, Finn and I never actually have sex?”

“I think you just need to get him into a room, lock the door, unplug the phone, and go for it. As soon as possible.”

“Yeah, just one problem with that. Where am I going to find a room? I’m staying at Chloe’s, and your boyfriend is staying at Finn’s!”

“Good point. I don’t know, then.”

“Thanks for the help,” I said sarcastically.

***

“I don’t need to wear makeup,” I told Chloe the next night as she started powdering my face.

“You never know, there could be cute boys at the party,” she said. “At least put on some mascara.” She handed me a small tube.

“Fine,” I said, and took it from her. I leaned into the mirror to apply it and she fussed with my hair. “Why do you care if there’re cute boys there, anyway? I thought you had a boyfriend.”

I could see in the mirror that her expression saddened.

“Jeremy broke up with me,” she said.

“Good, he was a twat.”

She frowned at me.

I turned around to face her. “I mean, I’m sorry to hear that, but it’s probably for the best anyway,” I said. “You deserve better than him.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Let’s go then, shall we?”

***

We made it to the party and there were already a bunch of people there I didn’t know. It was pretty crowded, seeing as Izzy and Chop’s flat wasn’t huge. There were people milling about in every room.

I saw Finn chatting with some girl in the kitchen and I hesitated to go talk to him, but he saw us and waved us over.

“Give us a hug,” he said, opening his arms. He hugged me, with a can of beer in one hand, and kissed me on the cheek.

Chloe looked at me with a shrug. “I’m gonna get a drink,” she said before walking away.

“I’ve missed you,” Finn said to me, leaning closer so I could hear him over the music.

“I saw you two days ago.”

“I still missed ya.”

I stifled a smile. “Have you seen Archie?”

“I don’t think he’s here yet. He went out with Rob a bit earlier.”

“What’s he like?”

“Who? Rob?” he said. “I dunno, really. He’s pretty quiet. Mostly kept to himself.”

“So, have you told Chop and Izzy?”

“Told them what?”

“About us.”

“No, I haven’t. I thought I was supposed to wait for you so we could tell ‘em all together.”

“Fine,” I said with a sigh. “Let’s get it over with.” I would have rathered not telling them at all, but that didn’t really seem like an option now.

We walked towards the living room, grabbing Chloe on our way, to find Chop and Izzy who were chatting with some people in the corner.

“Izzy. Chop. We need to talk to you,” I said.

“What’s going on, Rae?” Izzy asked.

“Yeah, what’s going on?” said Chloe, concerned.

I looked at Finn, then back at the group. “Finn and I have something to tell you… We’re sort of…”

He put his hand on my back. “We’re sort of a couple now,” he said.

I scanned the others’ expressions. They ranged from delighted (Izzy), to impressed (Chop), to crushed…

“Chloe!” I said, but it was too late. She ran off.

Finn looked at me, seemingly confused.

“I’ve gotta go talk to her,” I told him.

I went in the direction she headed, towards the toilet, and knocked on the door when I got there. “Chloe?”

I turned the handle and the door opened. Inside I saw her sitting on the edge of the tub, propping up her head with her hands as she sulked.

“Chloe, what’s wrong?” I asked, sitting next to her.

“Look, Rae, I’m happy for you, really,” she said. “But you didn’t even tell me that you still liked him, let alone that you were a couple with him!”

“It’s really recent, I swear.”

“Ugh, it’s not just that.” She dropped her hands. “Now I’m the only one of the group that’s single.”

“You could have any boy you wanted, Chloe,” I assured her. “Go out into that room and take your pick. Though, there’s nothing wrong with being single.”

“You say that now because you have a boyfriend.”

“Hey, I was doing alright before Finn, and you’ll do alright now.” I hugged her. “You’re strong Chloe. I’ve always thought so.”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

She rested her head on my shoulder. “I love you, Rae.”

“I love you, too,” I said, gently rubbing her arm.

“Why couldn’t you be a bloke?”

“The story of my life.”

There was a knock at the door. “Is everything alright?” It was Finn.

“Yeah, we’ll be out in a sec,” I said. I picked Chloe up and looked her square in the eye. “You are going to be just fine, I promise.”

She smiled. “Thanks.”

Finn held onto my arm as we were leaving. “What was that about?”

“Just girl stuff,” I said. “It’s fine.”

“Yeah, well, Archie and Rob are here now.”


	7. Chapter 7

Finn and I walked over to where the rest of the gang was standing with who I presumed to be Rob. The first thing I noticed about him was that he was really tall. (He was also really fit.) (Well done, Archie.)

“You must be Rae,” he said, extending his hand to me as I approached. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I smiled and shook his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too.” (Like which sexual positions you prefer.) I glanced at Archie and he gave me a look telling me to keep my mouth shut.

“So, how did you two meet, then?” asked Izzy.

“I told you, we met at uni,” Archie said quickly.

“Yeah, but how did it happen? Were you in the same class?”

“Sort of…” Again, he looked at me, pleading me not to say anything.

I knew that they actually met when Archie went to Rob’s office hours to ask for clarification on one of the assigned readings. Then he started to go in to ask questions on every reading. Eventually, they were meeting outside of office hours to discuss the course. And then they started meeting in Rob’s flat…

But I didn’t tell anyone that.

“No offense,” Chop said to Rob, “but you look a little old to be in your first year.”

“I’m actually a grad student,” he replied.

“How were you two in the same class, then?” asked Chloe, narrowing her eyes.

“We haven’t even gotten a drink yet,” said Archie. “Come on.” He hooked Rob’s arm and dragged him off towards the kitchen.

“He’s so secretive, that boy,” said Chloe.

“There’s nothing wrong with being private,” I said.

“Why are all the best-looking guys gay, though?” she added.

“Oi,” said Chop. “I’m standing right here.”

“Present company excluded.”

“What about Jeremy?” said Izzy.

Chloe shrugged. “Oh, we broke up.”

“Oh no!”

“It just wasn’t working out, it’s no big deal.”

Izzy gave her a hug.

Finn started tracing letters on my back with his fingertip. H…E…Y… S…E…X…Y. What? I must have gotten that wrong.

He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. “You know,” he said, whispering in my ear. “My flat is currently empty.”

I quickly looked around to see if anyone had overheard that.

“I am totally knackered, yeah?” he said to the others. “I had an early shift this morning, I’ve been up since four. I think I’m just gonna head home, ‘right?”

“Yeah, alright,” said Chop, looking confused. “Laters, then.”

“I’m also really tired,” I said awkwardly. “I’ll walk out with you.”

There was no way they were buying it, but we left anyway.

I held Finn’s hand all the way to his building, and I kissed his ear while he tried to unlock the door to his flat.

“Stop it,” he laughed, fumbling with his keys.

We got inside and—BAM!—instantly started making out. He slammed his hand against the wall looking for the light switch. The lights came on and it hit me. This was it. I was going to have sex with the lights on. With Finn.

We took off our jackets and dropped them on the floor. He immediately started pulling off his shirt. (Damn, he looked good. I just wanted to bite him all over.) (But I didn’t, of course.)

He sat down on the sofa and started to pull me on top of him.

“I’m going to crush you,” I said, hesitating.

He smiled. “You’re not going to crush me.”

He tugged on my arm and I carefully climbed onto his lap. He ran his hands up the back of my top and along my sides. I never expected him to be so pleased to touch me. And I was 99.9% sure this wasn’t a dream.

He started to remove my top when I heard a key in the door. I looked over to see Archie and Rob stumbling into the apartment, groping each other.

“God, I’ve fucking missed you,” said Archie, undoing Rob’s trousers.

I cleared my throat and they both looked at us.

“Rae! Finn! What are you doing here?”

“This is my flat!” Finn said. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you were still at the party.”

“We left early,” I replied, giving Archie a look that said, “You ruined everything.”

He gave me a “Sorry” look back.

“I can just stay in the other room, if you need some privacy,” Rob said, clearly finding the whole situation extremely awkward.

I stood up. “I should get going anyway.”

Finn held onto my hand and stood up as well. “To be continued,” he said quietly into my ear. I tried not to smile but it was difficult.

“Yeah, I’ll probably head out too,” said Archie.

He and I left but didn’t say a word to one another until we were out on the street.

“What were you thinking?” I asked him, smacking him in the arm.

“I told you, I thought you were still at the party and that no one would be here,” he said.

“You’re the one who said I should get him alone ASAP!”

“I know, I know, and we shouldn’t have gone up there. But it’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Rob. I may be gay, but I’m still a man, Rae.”

“Yeah, alright, I don’t want to hear any more about your sex life.”

“I promise, as soon as Rob is gone, Finn is all yours again.”

“That is if Rob hasn’t converted him.”

***

I got back to Chloe’s house but she was still out, so I went to bed even though I wasn’t that tired. I couldn’t sleep, so I just lay there, thinking, which was always a bad thing. (I hated being inside my own head.) (It was so full of doubts.)

Maybe it was a good thing Finn and I were interrupted. Maybe it was too soon, and we would have been rushing into things. Then again, Archie was right; we had known each other for three years, so it wasn’t exactly rushing…

But what if we did it and we realized we weren’t really compatible? Could we go back to being friends afterwards? Or was this a one-way street?

I must have eventually fallen asleep because I had another (almost) sex dream about Finn. This time Archie was watching us. It was very uncomfortable.


	8. Chapter 8

“Come in,” I said when there was a knock at the door.

Chloe came in and flopped onto my bed. “I’m exhausted,” she said.

“You were out late last night?” I asked.

“I got talking to this really cute guy at the party—Paul is his name—and anyway, we got talking and we just kept talking until we were the last ones there. Chop was yelling at us to get out ‘cause Izzy’d already fallen asleep.”

“Oh my god.”

“Anyway, he walks me home, right, and he kisses me goodnight! Can you believe it?”

I frowned. “I thought you were gonna have a go at being single.”

“I am single, I’m just having a bit of fun,” she said. “Where’d you and Finn get off to, by the way?”

“Nowhere, I just came back here,” I lied.

“Was he with you?”

“No!”

“Good, ‘cause my parents would freak out if you had sex in their guest room.”

“Ew, I’m not gonna!”

She rolled onto her stomach. “So, you and Finn are a thing now…”

“I guess so.”

“What’s he like?”

“You know what Finn’s like. He’s Finn.”

“I mean in bed.”

“Jesus, Chloe! I haven’t even slept with him yet!”

“You haven’t?” She looked confused. “Can he not…?” She lifted her finger.

“He hasn’t got a problem with that!” (I don’t think.)

“Hmm. Do you wanna come shopping with me?” she asked, (thankfully) changing the subject.

“I haven’t got any money.”

“You can browse while I shop, then.”

***

I browsed while Chloe shopped—it was easy not to spend money when almost nothing came in my size. Chloe had already bought two dresses and we’d only been at it for half an hour.

“Look,” she said, pointing to a shop across the road. “That’s where Izzy works. We should go say hi!”

We crossed the street and entered the small vintage shop. Izzy was hanging up some skirts on a rack near the front. There was no one else around.

“Hiya,” she said, surprised to see us. She gave each of us a hug. “What are you two doing here?”

“We were just out for a bit of a shop and thought we’d stop in,” said Chloe.

“This is great, because I wanted to talk to you both last night, but there was never a free moment without the boys.”

“What is it?” I asked.

She motioned for us to step closer so she could lower her voice even though we were the only ones there. “Now you can’t tell anyone this, even Chop doesn’t know.”

Chloe and I nodded.

“We’re having a baby!” Izzy said with a grin.

“Oh my god, Izzy!” said Chloe, giving her another hug. “That’s amazing!”

I was too stunned to respond for a minute. “Why haven’t you told Chop?”

“I didn’t want to tell him until I’d confirmed it with the doctor, and I only did that yesterday,” said Izzy.

“You’re going to tell him soon, right?”

“Yeah, tonight.” She smiled brightly but then her smile faded. “He’s… He’s going to be happy about it, right?”

“Of course he is,” said Chloe. “He loves you, Iz.”

“I know that, but what if—what if he doesn’t want to be a dad?” Izzy was starting to worry. Izzy never worried. About anything. (This was serious.)

“I’m sure he does,” I said reassuringly.

“The two of you are going to be amazing parents,” Chloe added. “That baby is going to be so loved.”

“You’re going to make me cry,” Izzy said, pulling us in for a group hug.

***

Chloe and I continued shopping for another hour before heading back to her house. She had so many bags that I had to help carry them.

“My new single lifestyle means I need a new look,” she had said.

When we got in, her mother told me (disdainfully) that Finn had called for me. I took the phone up to the guest room and called him back.

“How soon can you get over here?” he asked.

“I dunno, why?” I said.

“Archie went to the cinema with Rob and they won’t be back for at least an hour.”

“Are you sure?”

“They promised I could have the place until five if I let them have it from five to seven,” he said. “Now get over here.”

I smiled as I hung up.

“I’m going out for a bit,” I said to Chloe as I flew past her.

“Alright, have fun,” she answered.

I got to Finn’s place in record time, but I was a sweaty mess from rushing over. I leaned against the doorframe.

He looked surprised to see me when he opened the door. “Rae!”

“Were you not expecting me?” I said.

“Not this soon.” He was smiling. “Come on in.”

“It’s like proper summer out there,” I complained. I felt disgusting.

He brought me a glass of water and I downed it in five seconds. I set my glass down on the kitchen table as he went as sat on the sofa. He motioned for me to join him so I sat next to him.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“When I say ‘to be continued,’ I mean ‘to be continued.’” He made a gesture with his head.

“You want me to get back on top of you?”

“Come on, then.”

Ungracefully, I got up to my knees and swung one leg over him. “I’ve never felt less sexy in my life,” I said. (That wasn’t true; I’d felt less sexy plenty of times.) (But this wasn’t up there on the sexiness scale.)

“You are, though,” he said. “Sexy, I mean.

“I can’t believe that.”

“Why not? Hasn’t anyone ever told you that before?”

“No. Does that surprise you?”

He didn’t say anything so I got up and excused myself to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped my eyes with fingers to make sure there weren’t any tears.

Finn knocked on the door. “Rae?” he said. “I’m sorry, Rae. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

When I opened the door, he walked in and hugged me.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “How can you think I’m sexy?”

“Because you are.”

“But you, you could be on one of those magazine covers for the sexiest man alive.”

He looked away shyly. “Look, it doesn’t matter to me what other people think. As long as I like you and you like me, nothing else matters.”

“I guess so…”

“Come sit with me, alright?”

We cuddled on the sofa until five o’clock, when we went out to eat so Archie and Rob could have some alone time. Oh well.


	9. Chapter 9

“Come on,” Chloe said to me, barging into my room without knocking. “We’re going to the chippy.”

“What? It’s barely ten o’clock,” I whined, pulling the duvet over my face.

“Izzy and Chop have a big announcement for everyone…”

“Oh. Oh!” I threw back the duvet. “Oh my god, she told him!”

“Yeah, so let’s get a move on.” She tossed a pair of jeans at my head and left the room.

When we arrived the rest of the gang—plus Rob—was already there, waiting for us.

“Alright,” said Chloe as we sat down. “What’s the big news?” Although she was sort of bad at keeping secrets, she was pretty good at pretending she didn’t know them already.

“Go on, show ‘em,” Chop said to Izzy.

She stood up and held out her hand, grinning. “We’re getting married!”

I frowned in confusion. That was not the news I was expecting.

“Oh my god, let me see!” Chloe said, grabbing Izzy’s hand to look at the ring.

“It’s just one she already had, since it was kind of spur of the moment, you know,” said Chop. “But I did buy it for her, technically, so it counts.”

Izzy gave everyone a closer look at the ring. It had a delicate silver-coloured band with a small purple stone.

“But that’s not all,” he continued. He looked at her and she nodded at him. “We’re also having a baby!” he said, hugging her around her middle.

“Wow,” said Archie, clearly stunned. “Congratulations.”

“We know it’s a bit early to be telling people since I’m only a few weeks along,” said Izzy. “But we figured this way it would make more sense why the wedding’s in two weeks.”

“Two weeks?” Finn asked with surprise.

“And you can’t tell her parents about the baby until after the wedding,” said Chop.

“They think I’m saving myself,” she giggled.

“Won’t they be able to do the maths once the baby is born and realize you conceived before the wedding?” said Archie.

“Babies are born early all the time,” Chop replied with a shrug.

Finn and I exchanged skeptical glances.

“Well, congratulations again,” said Chloe.

Everyone took turns hugging the parents-to-be—Izzy even hugged Rob, who she barely knew (and who was about twice her height, which was comical)—and then we all sat back down in our seats.

I couldn’t believe they were getting married. I couldn’t believe they were going to be parents. I couldn’t imagine myself as a parent. I’d probably be shit at it.

“We’ve got to go to the train station now,” Archie said.

“It was nice meeting all of you,” said Rob. “Finn, thanks for the room.”

“Any time,” Finn said, his eyes darting at me then down at the table.

Archie and Rob left, followed shortly by Chop and Izzy because she was starting to feel a bit drained. Chloe sat awkwardly with Finn and me for several minutes before making up an excuse to leave as well.

“So…” he said once she was gone.

“So,” I replied.

“My flat’s empty again.”

“Is it?”

“Isn’t it?”

“Do you think we should check?” I asked jokingly.

He smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear. He leaned in closer like he was going to whisper something, then started tracing lightly on my neck with his finger. I closed my eyes. Y…E…S.

Oh my god. That was the most sexual thing anyone’s ever done to me, and I’m including actual sex. Is this boy literally magic?

***

I noticed people staring at us on the walk back to his flat, but I tried not to care. He was right. All that mattered was that he liked me. The fact that it was completely logic-defying was irrelevant.

“I’m just going to change the sheets before I forget,” he said when we got there.

“Yeah, you don’t want to be sleeping in Archie’s sex bed,” I joked.

“Smack that image right out my head, thanks.”

We each took a side of the fitted sheet and struggled to slip it on over the mattress. (We had it the wrong way around first.) Then we each shoved a pillow into a pillowcase. When he was done he threw his at my head.

“Oi!” I said, throwing it back.

He caught it and kneeled up onto the bed so he could smack me with it. I blocked him with the other pillow and got onto the bed as well, trying to hit him back. We whacked each other a few times before he tossed his pillow off to the side and grabbed my hands above our heads, just as I was about to bring down the thunder.

“What?” I said.

He kissed me without saying a word, like he just needed to do it. I dropped the pillow but he kept holding onto my hands way above our heads as he kissed me. Eventually he ran his hands along my arms and down my sides, grabbed the bottom of my shirt, and pulled it off over my head before I could tell him not to. He kissed my neck and shoulders, practically biting them.

He leaned over me until I was horizontal and removed his own shirt before he resumed kissing me along my collarbone and down my chest. I held my breath as he kissed my stomach. It was the part of my body I hated most, so I found it strange that he seemed to like to touch me there.

He kissed all the way down to the waistband of my jeans and started to undo the top button.

“Finn, you don’t have to do that,” I said, grabbing his hands.

He frowned at me. “I don’t ‘have to’ do anything, Rae,” he said. “I want to.”

He pulled down my jeans and knickers and started kissing the inside of my leg.

I’d never had anyone do this before. It was sort of a strange new experience, but it was incredible.

When I’d finished, he looked up and smiled at me. “Y’alright?”

“Yeah, good, thanks,” I said. I still couldn’t believe what had just happened. I kissed him as he lay down next to me and scrunched up my nose. “You smell disgusting.”

“What? You don’t like it?”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I love it.”

I shook my head.

“You don’t believe me?” He took my hand and placed it over the bulge in his trousers. “That’s what your smell does to me.”

“Oh.” I started rubbing my hand up and down but he moved it away.

“I’d better shower, though, before we get lunch.”

“Okay…” I watched him leave the room and covered my face with my arms. Well, that was…weird.


	10. Chapter 10

“So, you had the flat to yourselves, then?” Archie said when we met up for coffee the next day. “Did you do it?”

“Sort of,” I said.

“Sort of?”

I leaned in so I could lower my voice. “He went down on me.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh my god, Archie, it was amazing. His tongue is like—“

“Stop! Straight people sex is disgusting.”

“Well, anyway, he didn’t want me to do anything to him afterwards. Is that weird?”

“I dunno. They say it’s better to give than to receive, don’t they?”

“That’s for, like, Christmas gifts. And it’s total bullshit, by the way. Everyone likes getting presents.”

“People are different,” he said with a shrug, though clearly put off by the topic of conversation. “Maybe that’s just the way Finn is.”

“Or maybe he’s just not turned on enough by me…” I said. “I mean he was ‘ready to go,’ so to speak, but maybe that’s not enough.”

“Trust me, a guy will stick it in anything when he’s ‘ready to go.’”

“Gee, thanks, Archie.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

I stared at my coffee.

“Maybe you should talk to Chloe,” he added. “She seems to know what straight guys like.”

“Yeah, they like girls who look like Chloe.”

***

Chloe was in her room when I got back to her house, so I knocked on her door and she welcomed me inside. I told her about my situation with Finn, though it was difficult. It was easier to talk about this stuff with Archie because I wasn’t afraid of him getting jealous. Even though Chloe said she wasn’t into Finn anymore, knowing that she once was worried me.

“Has that ever happened to you?” I asked once I had given her the (brief) details.

She thought for a minute. “No…” she said slowly. “No, boys always want something in return. Girls are more giving, but boys? Nah. They feel entitled to it.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think maybe he really does…?” She raised her finger and then lowered it and made a sad face.

“He could get it up, Chloe!”

“And he didn’t want you to do anything to it?”

I shook my head.

“Well, then, he’s either really nice or really weird, and let me tell you, boys aren’t nice.”

“What do you think I should do, then?”

She shrugged. “Enjoy it?”

“I don’t want him to secretly resent me or something.”

“Then seduce him. Get him so turned on that he can’t resist your advances.”

“Alright… How do I do that?”

“What does he like?”

“Well, he likes music,” I said. “And _Star Wars_.”

“ _Star Wars_? Really?” She cocked her head to the side. “Never mind. I meant what does he like sexually?”

“How the fuck should I know that?”

“He’s never given you any indication of something he likes?”

I thought for a moment. “Well, he said he liked the smell of my… lady area…”

Chloe stifled a laugh. “Well, go with that, then.”

“And what am I supposed to do? Go up to him and say, ‘Oi, Finn, why don’t you get a whiff of my pussy so that I can fondle your stiff cock?’”

“Might work,” she said with a shrug.

We both laughed.

***

I didn’t see Finn for a couple of days. I wasn’t really sure which one of us was avoiding the other. Maybe we both were. At any rate, I decided enough was enough and went to his flat to see him.

“Rae?” he said when he answered the door. “What’re you doing here?”

“I came to see you,” I said. “I hope that’s alright.”

“Yeah, ‘course it is.” He stepped aside to let me in then shut the door behind us.

“Super Furry Animals, again?” I asked, bobbing me head to the music.

“Yeah. I can put on something else if you like.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Can I get you anything?”

I shook my head. He shoved his hands in his pockets and swayed ever so slightly.

“Sorry I didn’t call first,” I said after a couple minutes of silence.

“You don’t need to call before coming ‘round, you know that, right?”

I nodded and folded my arms.

“You sure there’s nothing you want?”

I glanced down at his trousers then back up at his face and he raised his eyebrows at me.

Without another word we were back in his bedroom, tearing each other’s clothes off. Literally. I heard my shirt rip, but I didn’t care. We were going to do this right now, or my name wasn’t—

“Rae?” said Chloe. “Rae, are you still sleeping?”

Fuck. I opened my eyes to see that I was still in the guest bedroom. “What?”

“It’s Finn, he’s on the phone for ya.”

“Yeah, alright, come in.”

She entered and handed me the phone.

“Thanks,” I said to her, forcing a tired smile. “Finn?” I said into the receiver.

“Sorry, Rae, did I wake you?” he said.

“No, I was awake,” I lied.

“I’m just on my break at work and I thought I’d call since I hadn’t heard from you in a few days. Is everything all right?

“Yeah, fine.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner, it’s just you seemed a bit odd after the last time you were over and I didn’t know if you wanted some space from me.”

“I never want space from you, Finn. I want zero space from you.”

“Alright,” he laughed. “Can I see you tonight, then?”

“Sure, yeah. What time?”

“I’ll meet you at the pub at five.”

***

I headed out just before five and when I got to the pub, Finn was already there.

“I got you a drink,” he said, holding up a glass to me.

I sat down across from him and took it. “Thanks.”

“Look, Rae, about the other day—“

“I told ya, I don’t need space.”

“Yeah, but was it okay? I mean, I thought you enjoyed it, but then you got funny afterwards,” he said. “Did I do something you didn’t like? You can tell me.”

“It was fine,” I said.

“Fine?”

“Yeah, alright, it was amazing, it’s just…” I thought about what I should tell him. “No one’s ever done that to me before. I guess I was just a little self-conscious.” There, that was almost the whole truth.

He smiled shyly and looked down at his glass. “You’ve got no reason to be.” He looked back up at me without lifting his head.

I felt like I was blushing so I took a drink the glass in front of me.

“D’you have any plans tonight?” he asked.

“None that I can think of…”

***

This time when I finished, he kissed me all the way back up my stomach and chest until he was lying on top of me and kissing my face. I even kissed him on the mouth; the smell didn’t bother me as much anymore. I could feel him hard against me through his trousers.

He rolled off and lied next to me, his chest rising and falling gently with his breath. I turned onto my side so I was facing him.

“You’re pretty good at that,” I said, tracing my fingers over his abdomen.

“Thanks,” he said with a shy smile.

My fingertips trailed downwards towards his trousers and I slipped my hand in under the waistband. It was still ready. I started stroking it and he closed his eyes and bit his lip, so I figured I was doing something right. But then he put his hand on my arm and stopped me.

“I’ve got to work really early tomorrow morning,” he said. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. “I need to shower and get to sleep.”

“Oh, okay.” I got up to put my clothes back on. “I’ll see you later, then,” I said as he left the room.

He stuck his head back in. “Are you not staying tonight?”

“I should probably just get back, yeah?”

“Yeah, alright…” He looked really disappointed as he turned and left again.

I sighed. “Finn,” I said. He came back again. “I’ll stay if you want me to.”

He smiled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes jokingly. “Now go shower, you’re filthy.”


	11. Chapter 11

Finn was pressed up against my back as we slept, with his arm draped around me. When I woke up, I felt something firm against my behind.

“Finn?” I said. “Are you awake?”

No response.

I reached my arm around behind my back and felt it. It was firm, alright. I turned around to face him and he rolled onto his back. I slid my hand into his pyjama bottoms and began rubbing.

He muttered something indiscernible.

“Finn?” I said quietly as I continued moving my hand up and down. “Finn?”

“Mm?” he replied.

“Do you like this, Finn?”

“Mm-hmm.”

Suddenly there was a loud beeping noise. His alarm.

I opened my eyes and it was already getting light out. Finn was lying on his side, turned away from me. Goddammit.

The alarm wouldn’t stop and he wasn’t waking up.

“Finn?” I said, nudging him.

“Hmm?”

“Wake up, Finn.”

He lifted his head and looked and the clock on his bedside table. He smacked it a few times and it stopped. “Morning,” he said, turning to face me.

I kissed him and he smiled.

“I like it when you’re here,” he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer.

“I can tell,” I said, raising my eyebrows.

He looked embarrassed and pulled his hips back. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be.” I put my hand down there.

“I’ve gotta get to work,” he said, sitting up and moving my hand away. “You can stay as long as you like, just make sure you lock the door if you leave.”

“Okay,” I said as he stood.

I stayed in bed while he got dressed, feeling like an idiot. There had to be something really wrong with me that he could be turned on but not want me to touch him.

I tried going back to sleep to see if I could pick up that dream where I’d left off, but it didn’t work.

***

When I got back to Chloe’s, she asked if I wanted to go for a swim with her. We splashed about for a little while, and then just floated around on pool toys.

I told her about how I’d tried it on with Finn and he blew me off two more times.

“Maybe he’s got a really small thing and he’s embarrassed,” she suggested.

“I’ve felt it, Chloe, I know what size it is,” I said.

“Alright, then maybe it’s really weird-looking or something.”

“You think he’s got a weird-looking thingy?”

“Could be.”

“That shouldn’t matter,” I said. “I mean, look at me. My whole body is weird-looking, but I still let him touch it.”

“Guys are really sensitive about their privates, Rae,” she said condescendingly.

“Well how do I let him know that I don’t care about that? Do I just tell him?”

“If he’s insecure about it then it’s not something he’ll want to open up about. I’d say give him compliments about it. Maybe that’ll make him feel more confident.”

“You want me to compliment his cock?”

“You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.”

***

“You’re really sexy, you know that?” I said to Finn while he was cooking.

“Uh, you’ve mentioned that, yeah,” he said. He looked embarrassed.

“I just really wanted to make sure you knew,” I added. “I think all of you is sexy, every bit of you.”

“I think every bit of you is sexy, too.”

I came up behind him and put my arms around his waist. “Yeah, but you’re really, really sexy. I just can’t keep my hands off ya.” I ran one of my hands down his front.

“Oi, what’re you doing?” he laughed. “I’m trying to cook, here.”

“I just want you to know that I like you. All of you.”

“Alright, weirdo.” He turned around and kissed me. “Now go sit down, it’s almost ready.”

He set my plate in front of me, but I just pushed the food around for a while without eating it.

“Are you having issues eating in front of people again?” he asked nervously.

“No, I’m just… preoccupied,” I said.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Sex.”

He coughed, like he nearly choked on his food. “What’s that now?”

“Specifically why you won’t let me get you off.”

He looked down at his plate and cleared his throat.

“Is there something wrong with me?”

“No, of course not!” He seemed worried. “Rae, it’s got nothing to do with you. It’s just…”—he lowered his voice—“I didn’t want you to think I only do… stuff… to get something in return. I did it because I wanted to. I like you, Rae. I really, really like you.”

“So you’re fine getting turned on and just leaving it?”

“No, why d’you think I’m always getting a shower after.” He made a jerking off motion with his hand in the air.

I snorted a laugh.

“Look, it pleases me to please you, Rae.”

“Yeah, well maybe it would please me to please you, too.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel unwanted,” he said, stirring the food around on his plate as well. “I do want ya.”

“Is that so?”

He stood up and grabbed my hands. “Come here.”

I stood up as well and he kissed me. I gave him a small shove and he stumbled a couple of steps backwards.

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“Back it on up, buddy.” I kept pushing him backwards until we were at the sofa and I pushed him down onto it. I leaned over and kissed him before getting on my knees in front of him.

“Rae, you don’t have to—“

“I don’t ‘have to’ do anything,” I said. “I want to.”


	12. Chapter 12

“You were kind of loud this time,” Finn said as he crawled up the bed next to me.

“Sorry,” I said, embarrassed.

“Don’t be, I like it.”

I pulled the blankets up over myself. “Can I sleep here tonight?” I asked.

“Of course you can,” he said. “You can stay whenever you want. In fact,”—he traced squiggles on my arm with his fingers—“I was thinking maybe you should just sleep here every night. I mean, you’ve been here most days lately.”

“But then I’d be running back and forth to Chloe’s to get my things all the time.”

“Not if you brought all your things over here.”

“What, like, move in here?”

“Just stay here until you go back to uni,” he said with a shrug.

Oh right. I had forgotten about that. I had forgotten that I’d be leaving again. What was going to happen with me and Finn when I left?

“Rae? Are you alright?”

“What? Yeah, I’m fine,” I said absently.

“So what are you thinking?”

“About what?”

“About moving your stuff over here.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Maybe.”

He smiled and kissed me. “This’ll be fun, yeah?”

***

“Congrats on blowing him,” Chloe said, bored, as she flipped through a magazine.

“You could at least pretend to be happy for me,” I said, sitting on the end of her bed.

“I am happy for ya,” she said bitterly, “but your problems are just so trivial sometimes, you know that?”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s just a blow job, Rae. Get over it.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“When was the last time you asked me about my life, huh? I bet you didn’t even know that I went on a date last night.”

“Did you?”

“See?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“Because you’re hardly around anymore!” she said. “And when you are you’re just complaining that Finn won’t let you wank him. Some of us don’t have that luxury.”

“What are you talking about?”

She looked down. “I gave Paul a hand job in his car last night.”

“Who?” I said, frowning.

“Paul, the guy I met at the party last week, remember?”

“Oh, right, right. So?”

“He didn’t even kiss me afterwards. Or say that he was going to call.”

“Oh, Chloe…” I put my arm around her and pulled her in for a hug. “It’s not your fault, you know that? He’s clearly a jerk and that’s got nothing to do with you.”

“It has to have something to do with me,” she said. “Why is it that you get someone perfect like Finn and I always end up with guys like Paul?”

“I don’t know—“

The phone rang and she answered it. I couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but she was only giving one-word answers.

“Okay, bye,” she said and hung up. She looked at me. “That was Paul.”

“And?”

“And he just wanted to thank me for last night, and asked if I was available tomorrow.”

“What did you tell him?” I asked, worried that she was going to go out with this prick again.

“I said yes. I mean, obviously I misjudged him. It’s only fair to give him a second chance.”

She sat back down and picked up her magazine again. I shook my head.

“Chloe,” I said after a minute. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“Finn’s asked me to stay with him for the summer.”

“He what?” She stopped reading and looked at me.

“I’m always staying over there anyway. It just makes sense for me not to go back and forth.”

“So I’m not going to see you at all anymore?”

“You’ll still see me,” I said. “I’m still in town, you can see me whenever you like. I’ll just be at Finn’s instead of down the hall.”

“You know what, Rae? That’s fine,” she said angrily. “Go on and move in with Finn and have a perfect life!”

“Fine then, I will!” I got up to walk out of the room, but when I reached the door I turned back. “Have a good time with Paul,” I sneered.

***

I called Finn to come pick me up from Chloe’s house with my suitcases.

“Why couldn’t Chloe have driven ya?” he asked as he pulled out of her driveway. “I mean, I don’t mind doing it, I was just wondering.”

“We got in an argument,” I said. “About me moving out.”

“How come?”

“She says it’s because she won’t get to see me anymore, but I know it’s really that she’s jealous. The thing is, she lets herself get treated like dirt and then wonders why guys treat her like dirt. I’m sick of dealing with it.”

“That’s a bit harsh.”

I sighed. “I know, but she was being really rude to me today…”

“Do you think you two will sort it out?”

“We always do, eventually…”

“Yeah, well the wedding’s next weekend,” he said. “And the gang’s not going to want any in-fighting going on then.”

***

Finn cleared out a shelf, a drawer, and a couple of inches in the wardrobe for me to put some of my things, but mostly I had to live out of my suitcases on the floor of the bedroom. I put my CDs in the living room, though it was a bit redundant since our collections mostly overlapped.

It suddenly hit me what I’d just done. I’d essentially moved in with Finn. I’d left the comfort and spaciousness of Chloe’s house to live in a single-bedroom flat with a boy. What was I thinking?

Maybe it wasn’t too late to go back…

I was about to stand up when Finn sat down next to me and handed me a beer. He leaned against my shoulder.

“I’m glad that you’re here,” he said.

I smiled a little. “Me too.”

“Now you can do all the cooking and the cleaning, like a good little housewife.” He bit his lip to keep from laughing.

I shoved him in the arm with my shoulder.

He shoved me back playfully. He took a drink and placed his hand on my knee. Then he started writing with his finger. I… L…O…

The phone rang and he got up to answer it. It was a brief call.

“Who was it?” I asked once he’d hung up.

“Just a guy from work,” he said. “I’d asked about switching shifts with him so I could go to the wedding and he was just confirming.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

“Isn’t it sort of weird?”

“What?”

“Our friends are getting married,” he said as he sat back down. “They’re having a baby.”

“I guess it is sort of weird,” I said. (Sort of majorly weird.) “But I’m happy for ‘em.”

“Yeah, me too.” He looked down at his hands. “They really love each other.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” I smiled and then laughed. “It’s hard to imagine Chop as a dad, though. He’s still such a child sometimes.”

“He can be responsible when he has to be.”

“You know who I think would make a good dad?” I said, tapping my can of beer with my fingertips.

“Who?”

“You.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Me?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?”

“Finn, we haven’t even—Oh, I see, you’re just being clever, well, ha ha.”

He smiled, pleased with his joke.

“I’m just saying, you’re kind but you’re not a pushover,” I said, taking a drink. “I’d be a terrible mum, though.”

“What makes you say that?”

I shrugged and stared ahead.

“You’re no pushover either,” he said, shoving me again.

I leaned against him and we finished our drinks.


	13. Chapter 13

I was lying on the sofa watching TV in my housecoat when Finn came home from work.

“How was your day?” I asked, turning my head to look at him.

“Better now,” he said as he unfastened his trousers. He let them drop to the floor and stepped out of them before pulling his shirt off.

“Are you serious right now?” I said, my eyes wide.

He stepped towards me and opened my housecoat. I wasn’t wearing anything underneath, and he got on top of me and started kissing me.

This was happening. Fina-fucking-lly…

I heard the door unlock.

“Oh, bollocks!” I muttered, and opened my eyes.

“Hiya, gorgeous,” Finn said as he walked in. “What’ve you been up to?”

“Oh, just hanging out,” I said. I had fallen asleep while lying on the sofa watching TV in my housecoat. (And loungewear.)

He came and kissed me on the forehead. “D’you know what you might like for tea?”

“Anything’s fine,” I said. I felt a little guilty for not offering to cook while I was here, but I was rubbish at it, and he seemed to enjoy doing it.

Besides, I was feeling particularly not like doing anything today because of a bad case of PMT. I felt bloated and sore and, oh yeah, did I mention? Super horny.

I looked over towards Finn in the kitchen and he was bent over looking for something in the fridge. I realized after a moment that I was staring at his ass, like I just wanted to bite into it.

I put my arms over my face and groaned.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“I just feel like shit today,” I grumbled. (I feel like shit, but please, will you fuck me?)

“Are you sick?”

“Not exactly.” I wished I hadn’t said anything.

He came towards me and I moved my legs so he could sit down. He stroked my knee with his thumb. “Can I do something to help?”

 _God, yes._ “No,” I said. “I’m fine, really.”

He leaned over and kissed me and I thought I was going to turn into a puddle. Then he got up and went back to the kitchen.

Fuck.

***

The phone rang while we were eating and Finn answered it.

“It’s for you,” he said to me.

I grabbed hold of the receiver. “Hello?”

“Rae, oh my god, I tried calling you at Chloe’s but she told me you’d moved in with Finn!” said Izzy on the other end. “Is that true?”

“Sort of,” I said sheepishly. “Why are you calling?”

“I wanted to know if you and Chloe would do a girls’ night with me on Friday before the wedding,” she said.

“What did Chloe say?”

“She’s up for it. What d’you think?”

“Sure, I’ll come.”

“Oh my god, this is going to be so much fun! I’ll pick you up at Finn’s place at seven.”

“Alright. See ya.”

“You going somewhere with Izzy?” Finn asked when I’d hung up.

“She wants to do a girls’ night with me and Chloe on Friday,” I said, sitting back down at the table.

“Are you and Chloe talking again?”

“Nope.”

“Is that gonna be difficult for you?”

“She was the one being a baby, so she can deal with it.” I jabbed my fork into my plate of food angrily.

He looked up at me. “Are you in a bit of a mood today?”

“Are you calling me moody?” I glared at him.

“No, it just seems like something’s bothering you,” he said. “Are you sure everything’s alright?”

“No, Finn, everything’s not alright!” I blurted, dropping my fork on the table with a clang. “I’ve got terrible PMT, my best friend’s not speaking to me, and my own boyfriend won’t fucking fuck me!”

I got up from the table and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I buried my face in one of the pillows. What was I thinking with that outburst? Finn was going to think I was mad.

I heard him knock on the door.

“Go away!”

“I just wanna talk to ya,” he said. “Can I come in?”

I grumbled into the pillow but he came in anyway. He sat at the edge of the bed next to me and put his hand on my back.

“You know you can tell me things, right?” he said.

“Not those things, though,” I replied, muffled.

“Why not?”

I lifted my head. “’Cause those things are embarrassing.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed around me, Rae.”

“I told you I’ve got PMT, Finn.”

“So?”

“So it’s embarrassing.”

“Why is it embarrassing?”

“Because it means I’m moody and sweaty and irritable and you smell too good.”

“I smell too good?”

I buried my face again. “Leave me alone.”

He climbed over me so that he could lie down and put his arm around me, resting his face on my shoulder. “I can’t do that, Rae.”

***

“What do you want?” Chloe said when I decided to ring her the next day. I figured we ought to work things out before Friday night.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” I said, twisting the phone cord around my finger.

“I’m fine,” she said bitterly.

“I’m sorry I upset you by moving out,” I continued. “But there’s no need for you to be jealous of me—“

“What?” she scoffed. “I’m not jealous of you, Rae. Why would I be jealous of you?”

“I don’t know, because I have a boyfriend and he doesn’t treat me like shit? Maybe you’re jealous that your fat friend is in a better relationship than you are.”

“If your relationship is so great then why can’t you talk to him, hmm? Why are you always coming to me crying about your issues?”

“Because you’re my friend, Chloe.”

“No, I thought you were my friend, but you just like someone to complain to. You never listen to my problems, and when you do, you judge me!”

“I don’t judge you—“

“You think every guy I’ve dated is a jerk.”

“That’s because they are!”

“There you go again!”

“It’s not my fault if you only date jerks,” I said. “I keep telling ya you can do so much better, Chloe.”

“Yeah, well, there aren’t a lot of Finns in the world, are there?” she said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know, a guy who’s kind, attentive, doesn’t care about looks…”

Did she really just say that to me? “Maybe I was wrong, then. I’m sorry. Maybe you do deserve everything you get.”

I hung up before she could respond.


	14. Chapter 14

Izzy picked me up just after seven on Friday night before heading to get Chloe. We were all going to a club in a neighbouring town for a “girls’ night out” though Izzy was not going to be drinking—for obvious reasons—so she was our driver. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she had some serious road rage issues.

I was nervous about seeing Chloe again. I hadn’t seen her since our fight, and our last phone conversation didn’t end well. I didn’t know what to expect from her.

She got into the car and greeted Izzy cheerfully while ignoring me. Ah, the silent treatment.

“Alright, what’s going on?” said Izzy after neither of us had said anything for several minutes. “Are you two in a fight or some—Get off the road, asshole!—something?”

“Why don’t you ask Chloe,” I said. “She’s the one that started it.”

“Me?” Chloe replied. “You’re the one who decided to live with her boyfriend of three weeks rather than her best friend of fifteen years.”

“Of course you make it about you! I’m not allowed to have a life without your permission?”

“Can’t we just say that you’re both being silly and put this all behind us?” said Izzy hopefully.

“I’m not being silly,” I said.

“Neither am I,” said Chloe.

“Sure you are,” said Izzy. “Rae, clearly Chloe’s missed you while you’ve been away and was hoping to spend the summer with you.” She cursed and honked loudly at a passing car. “And Chloe, you can’t blame Rae for wanting to spend time with her boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still her best friend. Am I right?”

“Of course you’re still my friend, Chloe,” I said quietly. “I still want to hang out with you.”

I heard Chloe sigh like she was annoyed. “Alright, maybe I was a bit jealous of you and Finn. But mostly I just didn’t want to lose you.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “You could never lose me.”

“Aww, you guys,” Izzy gushed. “Isn’t this so much better?”

***

Chloe still seemed a bit irritated with me when we got to the club, but by the time we were leaving she was hugging me and telling me how much she loved me. Nothing like a few drinks to get someone to warm up to you.

I thanked Izzy when she dropped me off and congratulated her again on her big day. I just wanted to get to bed so I could sleep enough that I wouldn’t feel like crap for the wedding.

Finn wasn’t around when I got in. I figured he probably went out with the guys to celebrate Chop’s last night of freedom, so to speak.

I went to bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I only woke up because Finn came in and turned on the light.

“Ugh, Finn, what are you doing?” I said, covering my face with my arms.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. He laughed a little. “I thought you were still out.”

“Turn the light off, I’m trying to sleep.”

“Right, right. Sorry.” He turned the light off and I heard him make his way across the room. “Fuck!” He must have hit his foot on one of my suitcases on the floor. He laughed again.

I felt him get into the bed and he put his arm around me, hugging me tight.

“You’re my favourite,” he said.

“That’s nice,” I muttered. “Go to sleep.”

He nuzzled his head against my shoulder and I started to drift off again. I was nearly asleep when I felt his hand start roaming up my shirt.

“You’re so soft.”

“Okay,” I said, moving his hand away from my boob. “Go to sleep.”

Instead he slid his hand down into my pants.

“What’re you doing?”

“I’m trying to get you ready,” he said. “So I can fuck you.”

My eyes shot open. The room was dark, but I could see the silhouette of Finn’s head next to me. And his hand was definitely still in my pants.

“What did you say?” I asked, unsure if I had dreamt that part.

He started kissing me. It was sloppier than usual. “Take your knickers off.”

He rolled to his back to undo his trousers but then he stopped moving.

“Finn?” I said. I nudged him but he didn’t respond. “Finn?”

I was almost worried for a second that he’d died, and then he started snoring. Seriously?

If this was a dream, then it was the worst one yet. If it wasn’t a dream, then my life was shit.

***

Finn and I ate breakfast in silence, neither of us feeling our best. He, I suspected, had a massive hangover, and I had just started a massive period.

“Listen, I’m sorry about last night,” he said once we were nearly finished.

“What for?” I said.

“I got a bit drunk and I think I may have tried to… Anyway, I’m sorry.”

“Are you sorry for trying to fuck me?” I asked. “Or sorry that you fell asleep before you could?”

He had a deer-trapped-in-headlights look on his face. “Uh, both?”

I had to suppress a smile because I wanted to be annoyed at him, but he was just too adorable.

Once we were done eating, we started to get ready for the wedding. He was all dressed and ready to go, sitting bored in the living room, while I was still getting my makeup on.

He wore a black shirt with a black paisley jacquard tie, and I wore a two-tone blue dress with cold-shoulder sleeves. It was the one my mum had gotten me for her wedding; it was the only nice dress I had. (I was also wearing a tampon AND a maxi pad, just to be safe.)

“You look beautiful,” he said when I finally got out of the bathroom.

“Oh, shut up, I feel like a cow.”

He came over and put his arms around me. “Well, you look great.” He kissed the side of my face.

“You have to say that, though,” I said grumpily.

“You know, I remember the first time I saw you in this dress.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, it was at your mum’s wedding, where you told everyone about how you’d been in hospital, and I remember thinking how beautiful you looked.”

“Stop it,” I said, giving him a small shove.

“But I also remember thinking how brave you were, to open up to people like that. I couldn’t even…”

“You couldn’t even what?”

“I couldn’t even tell you how I felt. I couldn’t tell you that I’d been in love with you for weeks.”

“You were?”

“Yeah, but we’d become such good friends and I didn’t want to scare you away…”

“You could never scare me away, Finn,” I said, leaning against his shoulder as he hugged me. “Have you really felt this way all this time?”

“I want you to know that when I say I care about you, I mean it,” he said.

“I know.”


	15. Chapter 15

Chop and Izzy’s wedding was small. The ceremony took place in a cute little chapel and it was just close friends and family. Izzy looked beautiful in a vintage blush lace dress, and Chop even had a suit, somehow.

They exchanged vows they’d written. She vowed to always let him have control over the TV in the evenings and he vowed to always be there to humanely trap and release spiders for her. (I don’t think they understood what marriage vows were.)

“I fucking love you, Izzy,” he said to her.

“I love you, too, Arnold,” she giggled.

They held the reception at the pub, where my mum had held hers, and where Chop had first told Izzy how he felt about her. Archie and Chloe each gave a toast for the newlyweds, and Izzy was in tears. (I wondered if the pregnancy hormones had anything to do with it, because the speeches weren’t all that moving.)

I danced with Archie for a while because Finn refused.

“But I’ve seen you dance at a rave before,” I had said to him.

“That’s different, though,” he replied. “It’s alright to look like an idiot there.”

I did manage to drag him onto the floor for a slow song once the evening was winding down. As we swayed together he started to write on my back.

I… L…O…V…E… Y…O…U.

***

When we got back to the flat, I couldn’t wait to get out of my dress and into my comfy pyjamas. Finn sat on the bed, watching me get changed.

“Why are you sitting there watching me get changed?” I asked halfway through removing my dress.

He flicked his eyebrows up and I rolled my eyes, pretending to be annoyed. In all honesty, I just wanted to grab him by his tie and ride him into the sunset…but I couldn’t do that.

I turned around to finish taking off my dress and I felt him approach me. He put his arms around my waist and started kissing the back of my neck.

“What d’you think you’re doing?” I said, trying not to melt into him.

“Trying to get some action,” he said as he continued.

I took a step away and faced him, keeping him at arm’s length. “We can’t do this now.”

“Why not? I thought this was what you wanted.”

“The…timing’s not right.”

He furrowed his brow in confusion.

I sighed. “Remember a couple days ago when I told you about my PMT?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, what comes after that?”

He looked at me blankly for a minute before realizing what I meant. “Oh,” he said. “So what?”

“So what? I can’t have sex while I’m on my period!”

“Sure you can.”

“It’s disgusting.”

“I don’t think it’s disgusting.”

“Are you taking the piss right now?” I asked.

“No, I just don’t see the problem,” he said. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, but it doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, it bothers me,” I said, hanging up my dress. I grabbed my pyjamas from my suitcase and went to the bathroom.

By the time I got back, Finn was already in bed. I got in next to him and he put his arm around me before saying goodnight.

I still couldn’t believe how comfortable he was with my body considering I still thought of it as the enemy. It betrayed me by being fat. It betrayed me by having a uterus. Basically, I just felt betrayed by my body. And yet Finn loved it. Every part of it, even what I thought to be gross. It didn’t make any sense.

***

“Are you sure?” I said.

“I told you, it doesn’t bother me,” he said.

I took a deep breath. “Alright, then, go ahead.”

He looked down and frowned. “Oh my god.”

“What? What is it?”

“That’s disgusting,” he said, looking horrified.

“What is?”

I sat up and looked where he was pointing between my legs. There was a huge pool of blood on the bed. I tried to scream but I couldn’t make a sound.

“I think you need to wake up right now,” he said.

***

I woke with a start and shot right up out of bed. I turned on a lamp and lifted the bed covers.

“Shit! Fuck! Fucking shit!” I whispered loudly.

Finn rolled over and squinted in the light. “What? What’s wrong?” he asked groggily.

“I’m so sorry!” I said, covering my face with my hands.

He sat up and looked down at the bed. “Oh. Is that all?” he said. “The way you were swearing I thought something bad had happened.”

“But I ruined your sheets!” I was on the verge of tears.

“It’s just a tiny spot. We’ll get stain-remover on it, it’ll be alright.” He got up and came around the bed to give me a hug. “It’s fine, love.”

“How can you be so alright with this?” I said into his shoulder as he stroked my back.

“This is nothing,” he said. “Last year I had a girlfriend who was an eco-feminist and made her own reusable sanitary napkins.”

I felt like I was going to be sick. Not because of the reusable sanitary napkins, but because I’d forgotten that he’d had girlfriends before. I mean, I knew he’d had girlfriends, obviously, but he never talked about them to me, just like I’d never talked to him about my boyfriends.

He must have noticed my discomfort. “Sorry,” he said, shifting nervously. “I guess I shouldn’t really talk about her.”

“It’s fine,” I replied. “We’ve all got exes.” I pushed him away slightly. “I should go clean up, though. You can deal with this,”—I waved my hand over the spot on the bed—“since you’re such an expert.”

I couldn’t stand the thought of Finn with some hippie chick. She was probably a skinny vegetarian who would have kinky period sex with him.

Oh, god. He’d had sex with her. Like, full on fucking, I’m sure of it. He’d probably done it with loads of girls. Meanwhile I’d only had two other blokes, both of whom were pricks.

Chloe was right. Finn was kind and attentive—rare attributes in a man—and could have any girl he wanted. So what did I have to offer that some thinner, prettier, easy-going girl couldn’t? I knew it was too good to be true from the start, but I wanted to believe it was possible for someone like him to love someone like me.

And yeah, maybe he did love me, but I wasn’t the first and I certainly wouldn’t be the last. This couldn’t go on forever.


	16. Chapter 16

“What are you doing here?” I said to Finn when he got home. “You’re supposed to be at work for another hour.”

“I left early,” he said. “I had to see you.”

“How come?”

“I hate the way things have been between us. I feel like there’s been some distance, and I think I know why.” He picked up my hands in his. “And I think I know how I can fix it.”

He kissed me and nudged me towards the bedroom. He started taking off his clothes, and without saying a word, so did I. Next thing I knew, I was laying across the bed and he was on top of me, kissing my face and neck. I could feel him, ready, between my legs.

I closed my eyes as he was about to enter me and felt awash with relief that this was finally actually happening.

“Rae,” he whispered in my ear.

“Mm.”

“Rae?”

“Mm?”

“I’m leaving now.”

I felt him kiss my forehead and I cracked open my eyes to see that he was standing above me, dressed for work.

“Later, yeah?” he said. He gave me a peck on the lips and left.

I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. I hated my life.

***

I hadn’t really talked to Finn in nearly five whole days, which was quite a feat when you consider that I was staying in his flat.

He went to work in the mornings, so I would pretend to be asleep when he left, and then I would go hang out with Chloe or Archie in the evenings when he got back. By the time I got in, I’d just tell him I was tired and go to bed, if he wasn’t already asleep.

On Thursday night, he stopped me on my way to the bedroom.

“We need to talk,” he said seriously.

“About what?” I said, feigning ignorance.

“You haven’t said more than two words to me since after the wedding,” he said. “Did I do something to upset you?”

“No, I’ve just been busy and tired.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t believe you, and I want you to tell me what’s really going on.”

“Nothing’s going on, I just haven’t had much to say, really.”

“In all the time I’ve known you, Rae, you’ve never not had much to say. You used to always speak your mind, but lately it’s like you think you can’t tell me things now that we’re…”

“Now that we’re what, Finn?”

He looked down at his feet then back at me. “I’m still your friend. You can still talk to me.”

“You’re right. You are still my friend,” I said with a sigh. “And maybe that’s all you should be.”

“What?” He looked like I’d stabbed him right in the chest.

“Maybe we’re not meant to be more than that. Maybe it was stupid for us to even try.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Look at me.”

“I am looking at you.”

“Now, look in a mirror,” I said. “Does it make any sense to you? Because it sure doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I don’t know why you think there’s some huge difference between us, but I don’t like it when you think this way.”

“I can’t help but think this way. Everyone else does. When people look at us, they’re thinking—“

“What does it matter what other people are thinking?”

“You must be thinking it too, on some level. That’s why you won’t…”

“I won’t what?”

“Forget it. Never mind. We can just go back to being friends and everything will be normal again.”

“I can’t do that, Rae. I can’t go back to pretending I don’t have feelings for ya.”

“And I can’t keep on pretending that you’re always going to.”

He frowned like he was in pain, but didn’t say anything.

I went to the closet to get out a spare blanket and took it over to the sofa. It was too late to go anywhere tonight, but I’d figure out what to do in the morning.

“Please don’t do this,” he said.

I didn’t respond.

“Talk to me, please!”

I still didn’t answer him.

He sat on the floor next to my head and started stroking my hair. “I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.”

***

“Oh, fuck!” I heard Finn say as I woke up.

I turned and saw that he was still sitting on the floor next to me, but it was already light out. I looked at the clock and realized he was late for work.

He got up and rushed into the bedroom to get changed and was ready to leave in less than five minutes.

“Promise me you won’t go anywhere today,” he said as he walked towards the door. He sounded panicked.

“Am I grounded or something?” I asked sarcastically.

“No, I mean, you can go out, just don’t leave-leave. Don’t move out until I get back, okay?” He waited a minute for me to say something, but I didn’t. “Okay, I have to go, but I love you and please be here tonight.” He grabbed his keys and left.

I got up and immediately started packing my suitcases.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn's POV for this chapter.

“You’re still my friend, Finn,” Rae said to me. “And maybe that’s all you should be.”

I took a step back from her. It felt like I’d just been stabbed in the chest. “Why are you doing this?”

“We don’t make sense together.”

“Rae, we’re the only thing that makes sense to me.” I reached for her hands.

She pulled back and looked away. “We can just go back to being friends. Everything will be fine.”

“No it won’t be fine! I can’t go back to pretending I don’t love you!”

“And I can’t go on pretending that you always will!”

“Rae…” I tried to say, but my voice wouldn’t come out.

She started to walk away from me so I grabbed her arm. (I know you’re not supposed to grab girls like that, but I needed her to stay with me.) She stopped but didn’t look at me.

“Please talk to me,” I finally managed to say.

“I know you have doubts about me,” she said, still not looking at me.

“But I don’t!” I pulled her closer and put my hand on the side of her face, turning her towards me.

I studied her for a moment before kissing her. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but it was the only way I could think to show her how much I wanted her, how much I needed her.

She kissed me back, tentatively at first. I held her more tightly. After a while I felt her lifting up the bottom of my t-shirt so I pulled it the rest of the way off. This was an unexpected turn of events.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Don’t you want me, Finn?” she said, opening my trousers.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Then prove it.”

She walked away towards the bedroom and I didn’t know if I was supposed to follow her. After deliberating, I did, and when I got there she was lying on her back, propped up on her elbows. Naked.

“Jesus.” I scrambled to get my trousers off and got in bed next to her. I was about to get on top of her when she stopped me.

“Wait,” she said, putting a hand on my chest. “Don’t do this unless you really love me.”

I nodded. “I do, I swear.”

“I want you to fuck me, Finn.”

“Well, that’s good, because I want—“

“But you’re late.”

“What?”

“For work. You have to wake up now.”

***

“Oh, fuck!” I said when I opened my eyes and checked my watch. I was supposed to be at work ten minutes ago.

I didn’t remember falling asleep on the floor, leaning against the sofa, but apparently I did. I looked at my lap and hoped that would go down soon, since I had to leave right away.

I went to the bedroom and got dressed quickly. When I came back out I noticed Rae was awake.

“Promise me you won’t go anywhere today,” I said to her as I headed for the door.

“Am I grounded or something?” she asked with attitude.

“No, I mean, you can go out, just don’t leave-leave. Don’t move out until I get back, okay?” I waited a minute for her to say something, but she didn’t. “Okay, I have to go, but I love you and please be here tonight.”

I should have been more worried about being late for work—this wasn’t the first time—but all I could think about was how I’d left things with Rae. I wondered if I should go back to her, but I didn’t know what I could do to fix things. Maybe she just needed some time to think about things. Maybe she needed some space.

Though I felt like all I’d been giving her lately was space. I’d hardly seen her the past few days, and I didn’t know why she was avoiding me. I knew she seemed to think she wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for me for some reason, but that didn’t make any sense to me. I felt lucky every day that I got to see her, no matter how briefly. Why couldn’t she see that?

***

I hurried home after work, but when I got there all Rae’s things were moved out already. I immediately rang Chloe but there was no answer. I called Archie to see if he knew where she was.

“Sorry, I haven’t heard from her today,” he said.

“Do you have any idea why she’s upset with me?” I asked.

“Uh, I kind of have an idea, but I’m really not supposed to tell you…”

“You’re my best mate! You can’t keep secrets about my own girlfriend from me.”

“I know, but I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”

“Archie…”

“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “A couple days ago she mentioned that she was feeling a bit insecure that you’ve had loads of girlfriends who’d do kinky stuff with you, or something to that effect. She also mentioned something about periods, so I tuned out a bit.”

“Why does she think I’ve had loads of girlfriends?” I said. “And what kinky stuff is she talking about?”

“I’m only relaying what she told me.”

“I can count the number of girlfriends I’ve had on one hand.”

“Yeah, well maybe it’s the fact that that hand has touched them intimately that bothers her.”

“Oh. Shit.”

“Now, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think it might help you see where she’s coming from…”

“What is it?”

“You see, she’s been having these, uh, these dreams… Sexy dreams… About you… Since the beginning of summer.”

“Okay…” I was a little confused.

“Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this. This is so awkward. But the thing about these dreams is that in them you guys never actually… I mean, you almost, but then you never…”

“Never what?”

“I’m talking about fucking, Finn.”

“Oh.”

“So the fact that you haven’t done it in real life yet—“

“Wait, how do you know that?”

“She tells me everything. _Everything_.”

“Even—“

“Yes, even that.”

“Oh.”

“My guess,” he continued, “is that she’s sexually frustrated, self-conscious, and insecure because you’ve had so many other girls but not her.”

“Not that many other girls…”

“That doesn’t matter. Any is too many, in this case.”

“So what am I supposed to do, then?” I said desperately.

“I don’t know. I know what I’d do if she were a guy, though.”

“Yeah, I can guess.”

***

I knocked on the door of Chloe’s house frantically and rang the doorbell. “Rae!” I called out. “I know you’re here!”

Chloe answered the door after several minutes of knocking. “She doesn’t want to talk to you,” she said.

“I need to see her, please.”

“She doesn’t want to see you. Frankly, I think she’s an idiot for breaking up with you—“

“We aren’t broken up, we’re just—Let me see her!” I pushed my way past her and into the house. (She didn’t really try to stop me.)

I ran up the stairs two at a time and pounded on the guest room door. “Rae! Let me in, I need to talk to you!”

She didn’t answer so I let myself in and found her sitting up in bed reading a magazine with headphones on. She looked surprised to see me. “Finn! What are you doing here?” she said as she took her headphones off.

“I came to see you.” I closed the door behind me.

“I don’t want to see you. I told her not to let you in.”

“Next time get a guard dog,” I said. “And I don’t believe you.”

“That’s your problem, then.”

I went and sat down at the edge of the bed next to her. “Look, I get why you’re upset with me. I shouldn’t have brought up my ex—That was stupid.”

“Pfft!”

“I also shouldn’t have waited so long to try and… you know… Because it made you feel unwanted, right?” I looked at her but she was looking away with her arms folded. “But I do want you, Rae. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.”

She turned her head slightly towards me and I swore I could see a hint of a reluctant smile. “Even more than that bike with the spokes for doing tricks that you wanted for your birthday when you were eleven?”

I laughed a little. “Even more than that.” I swung my feet up onto the bed and scooted next to her. “You’re all that I want,” I said, resting my chin on her shoulder.

She turned her head away again so I kissed the side of her neck. (I loved the way she would usually relax into me when I kissed her there.)

“Finn,” she said, annoyed, but I didn’t stop.

“I love you, Rae.”


	18. Chapter 18

“I love you, Rae,” he whispered as he kissed the side of my neck.

I felt like I could melt away into nothing at any moment. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I love you too, Finn.”

He stopped and looked at me. “Really?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said, rolling my eyes.

His face lit up and he smiled, and I couldn’t help myself from kissing him. (He was just too damn cute, that boy.)

I’d forgotten how soft his lips were. I’d forgotten how much I loved the way he’d stroke the side of my face with his thumb while we kissed. I’d forgotten that the smell of his face made me feel like my ovaries were going to explode.

He leaned over me and I slid down until I was on my back. I’d started pulling up on his shirt when I heard Chloe banging on the door.

“Rae? Are you alright?” she said through the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I called back. I sighed and looked at Finn. “We probably shouldn’t do this here,” I said to him.

“Come back with me, then,” he said. “Your suitcases are still packed and everything.”

“I can’t do that.”

“What? Why not?”

“I just think it was too soon for me to live with you. And I really should spend more time with Chloe while I’m here.”

He looked disappointed.

“But I’ll see you tomorrow, at the pub with the gang, right?” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess.”

“And maybe I’ll come ‘round to yours afterwards for a bit…”

***

When Chloe and I got to the pub the next day, Archie, Chop, and Izzy were already there, but Finn was nowhere to be found.

“So, Mr. and Mrs. Peters,” Chloe said as we sat down. “How was your first week of marriage?”

“Kind of boring, actually,” said Izzy.

“It’s pretty much the same as before, yeah,” said Chop. “Only now we’ve got a blender. What the fuck do I need a blender for?”

“You could make your own baby food with it,” I suggested.

They both frowned at me like it was a disgusting idea. (If they thought making baby food was disgusting, they were going to be in for a real treat.)

“Archie, do you know where Finn is?” I asked after a minute.

“No, I haven’t heard from him since yesterday,” said Archie. “Did he, uh, talk to you yet?”

“About what?”

“I mean, are you two… alright?”

“I think so…” I was starting to get worried.

“He’ll be here soon,” Chloe said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Ooh, Chloe, what’s that on your wrist?” Izzy said excitedly.

“Oh, this is just a present from Paul,” Chloe replied casually.

“Give us a look!”

She held out her wrist to show Izzy the bracelet. It was a chain with a small charm on it. “It’s the Eiffel Tower,” she said. “Because he says he wants to take me to Paris some day.”

I tried not to laugh. It may have been the cheesiest thing I’d ever seen.

Finn arrived while Izzy was still making a fuss over Chloe’s bracelet and he sat down next to me.

“Hi,” I said quietly. I felt shy all of a sudden, as if everyone were watching me.

“Hey,” he said just as quietly.

Chop squinted at us. “Is everything alright with you two or what?”

Izzy leaned over and whispered something in his ear and he nodded.

“Right, none of my business,” he said.

I wondered what Chloe had been telling people all week. I mean, I didn’t tell her what was going on until the day I moved back, but she had to know something was up when I started spending so much more time with her.

“So, Rae…” Archie began awkwardly.

“Yeah?” I said.

“Are you, uh, are you moving back in with Finn, then?”

Izzy gave him a nudge as if to say, “Shut up, it’s none of your business either.”

I looked down at the table. “Not right now, no.”

“Good, ‘cause, well—No, not good, but I mean, it’s sort of good just because Rob said he could come visit again and I was wondering, Finn, if he could stay with you?”

Finn glanced at me. “I guess so.”

“You’re so lucky, Archie,” said Chloe. “Your boyfriend is so fit and so nice.”

“What’s wrong with Paul, then?” asked Chop. “He’s a good friend of mine! Well, he’s a friend of mine, anyway.”

“Nothing’s wrong with him, I was only sayin’…”

Finn started tracing on my leg while the others were chatting. B…O…R…E…D. He rested his hand on my knee.

I traced letters on the back of his hand. L…E…T…S… G…O. He gave my knee a squeeze.

“Well, you guys, I’m sort of beat,” I said, pushing my chair back to stand. “I didn’t sleep well last night. I think I’m just going to head out.”

“I’ll walk with you,” said Finn as he stood up too.

“See you back at the house, then?” Chloe said to me.

“Yeah, see you.”

Clearly they weren’t buying it this time either.

***

I’d like to say that Finn and I barely made it through the door of his flat before tearing each other’s clothes off and leaving them in a trail to the bedroom where he ravished me like an animal.

But that’s not what happened.

We stood silently in the living room for a few minutes before he said anything.

“Can I get you something? Water? Tea?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks,” I said.

“So, then, should we just…?” He nodded his head towards the bedroom.

“Yeah, yeah, good idea.”

I followed him in where we stood next to our respective sides of the bed. I hesitated before getting in. We were finally, finally going to do this. I’d made sure the door was locked and chained, and I’d told him to unplug the phones. This was happening, goddammit.

I was nervous though. What if I was rubbish at it but no one had ever told me? What if I made weird sex noises that I’d never made before? What if he made weird sex noises and I laughed? What if I was so nervous that I clamped shut? What if he was so nervous that he couldn’t get it up? Why were there a million things that could go wrong?

He leaned over and kissed me and I forgot what I was so worried about. It was going to be fine because I was with him. My Finn.

He sat up to take off his shirt, so I did as well. As he kissed me again, he ran his hand up my side and around my back to unhook my bra. (I hated the way my boobs looked without a bra, but he seemed to enjoy it, so whatever.)

I ran my fingers through his hair while he kissed me all over. My skin felt electric everywhere he touched me and I could feel my pulse between my legs.

I started to pull down my skirt and leggings and he rolled off to the side to take off his trousers. He reached over to his nightstand and took something out of the drawer.

“You good?” he asked, turning his head towards me.

“Yeah, I think so.”

He got to his knees in front of me while concentrating to put on the condom. Then he leaned forward to kiss me, holding up my legs. It took him a couple of tries to get it in properly. (He wasn’t as smooth at this as I was expecting.) (It was kind of cute, actually.)

I’d also like to say that he pounded me so hard for so long that I came five times, but I’ve never been able to come just by fucking and this was no exception. (But he gave me a helping hand, so to speak, so I got there in the end.)

It was actually amazing to have finally done it, though, and I just wanted to keep doing it for the rest of time. But I had to get back to Chloe’s…

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” he said.

“You bet your ass you will.”


	19. Chapter 19

Chloe said something to me when she came in the room, but I couldn’t hear her because of my headphones, so I took them off.

“What?”

“I said, I’ve hardly seen you lately.” She sat down on the bed. “I assume you’ve been with Finn.”

“Mostly,” I said.

“I guess things are going well now that you’ve…”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I guess.” That was maybe a bit of an understatement.

Alright, so, the thing is that when you start having sex in a new relationship, it becomes all you ever want to do. Supposedly that fades after a while, but Finn and I haven’t gotten there yet. We’ve pretty much done it on or against every surface in his flat.

Which is not to say that we don’t still talk and hang out—we do, just… afterwards. Fucking has become our way of saying hello to each other. And I couldn’t be more goddamn pleased about it.

But our little sexcapade was on hiatus while ~~the cockblocker~~ Rob was staying at Finn’s for the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I like Rob. He’s nice and smart and kind of funny—I get why Archie likes him, really. But while he’s around, Finn and I have to act civilized.

“I hear you’re going on a double-date with Archie and Rob,” said Chloe, nudging my foot. “How come you guys have never wanted to do a double-date with me and Paul?”

I shrugged. “No reason, we just haven’t yet.” ( _Also I didn’t know you were serious about him_.)

“I think you need to give Paul a chance. You don’t even know him.”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright, fine, we’ll do a double-date some time.”

Let’s schedule it a week from never…

***

“Hi, love,” I said to Finn, giving him a kiss when he answered his door.

He smiled and let me in.

“Hey, Rob,” I said to Rob who was sitting on the sofa as we waited for Archie to show up.

“Good to see you, Rae,” he said. He stood up to give me a hug.

My face kind of got squished into his shoulder when he hugged me because he was so tall. It was nice though. Besides Finn, he was probably the best-looking guy to ever hug me.

Archie picked us up and we went to the cinema to watch “The Matrix.” It was some dystopian science fiction nonsense that I didn’t much care for, but Finn seemed to enjoy it—which was rather disappointing since I’d been hoping we could just make out in the back of the cinema.

We went to the pub afterwards where the boys started dissecting the film while I stared disinterestedly into my pint.

“Y’alright, Rae?” said Finn.

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“It’s getting kind of late,” said Archie. “We should probably head back soon.”

“You guys go ahead,” said Finn. “We’ll catch up with you later, yeah?”

Archie gave him a tight smile. “Thanks.”

“Bye, Rae,” Rob said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. “See you later, Finn.” He patted him on the shoulder as he walked away.

“Why’d you do that?” I said to Finn once the other boys had gone, hitting him on the arm.

“Do what?” he said.

“You let them have the flat last night!”

“Yeah, well, they don’t get to see each other very often.”

“We don’t get to see each other very often.”

“I see you almost every day.”

“And that’s not often enough,” I said. “What, are you sick of me?”

He smiled patronizingly. “Of course I’m not sick of ya.”

“Well, we don’t have a lot of time left together, either. I’m leaving at the end of the summer, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, looking down at his drink.

“Okay, well…” I wasn’t sure what to say. “Alright, then.”

***

“I’ve been thinking,” Finn said as he walked me all the way back to Chloe’s, in order to give the guys a bit more time alone.

“Thinking about what?” I said, holding onto his arm.

“About you leaving.”

“Oh.” I let go of him. “What about it?”

“I was thinking, maybe… I don’t know, maybe this is stupid, but I was thinking I should—I should come with you.”

“When I go to uni?”

“There’s nothing keeping me here, is there?”

“What about your job, and your friends?”

“I’ll get a new job,” he said. “And I’ll keep in touch with people.”

“You will? Because you weren’t very good at keeping in touch with me.”

“That was only ‘cause I thought if I didn’t talk to you I would get over you.”

“Oh.”

“Clearly that didn’t work.”

“Still,” I said as I kicked a pebble down the street. “You can’t just come with me.”

“Why not?”

“Where are you gonna live?”

“I’ll get a flat somewhere.”

“Where are you gonna work?”

“I dunno, there are jobs.”

“So you’re just going to uproot your whole life for me?”

“Rae,” he said, stopping to grab my hand. “You are my whole life.”

I smiled reluctantly. “That’s really corny.”

“I just mean you’re the one thing in my life that I don’t want to change,” he said. “Everything else can change, but not you and me.”

“But what if you move and you hate it and you hate me by extension and—”

“I’m not gonna hate you by extension.” He squeezed my hand tighter. “Besides, we already know what it’s like to live together.”

“You’d want me to live with you?”

He shrugged.

“But wasn’t it a bit disastrous when we tried…?”

“Yeah, but this time I won’t be getting between you and Chloe and I’ll make sure not to bring up ex-girlfriends, and everything will be fine.”

We stopped in front of the door to Chloe’s house.

“Will you at least think about it?” he said.

I nodded and went to open the door, but he put his hand on the side of my face and kissed me. I completely forgot what I was so concerned about—if he moved with me then we could do this everyday. What was wrong with that?

***

“How was your double-date?” Chloe asked me as I walked into her room and sat next to her on her bed.

“It was fine,” I said, picking up a magazine and pretending to look at it.

“I was thinking maybe the four of us—me, you, Finn, and Paul—could go do something next weekend.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, that sounds fine.”

She leaned forward and looked at me. “Is something wrong?”

“Finn wants me to live with him,” I said after taking a deep breath.

“You’re leaving me again? I thought you said you were going to stay here!” She sounded upset.

“No, not for the summer,” I clarified. “He wants to move and live with me while I go to uni.”

“Seriously?”

I nodded.

“He’s just going to uproot his life for you?”

“That’s what I said! But then he said that I am his life.”

“Aw. That’s kind of sweet.”

“But is it weird?” I asked. “We haven’t been together that long.”

“You’ve been friends for ages, though,” she said.

“Yeah, and I’m in two minds about it. On the one hand, it would be great to see him everyday and… you know…”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“But on the other hand, I don’t want to be the reason that he leaves behind his family and friends.”

“Isn’t that his decision, though?”

“Yeah, but I just want him to be happy.”

“From the sound of it he’ll be happiest with you…”

“Maybe…”


	20. Chapter 20

“I’m so glad we’re doing this,” Finn said, holding my hand tightly.

The train went through a tunnel and I could see our reflections in the window.

“Me too,” I said.

He turned my face and kissed me. It was just an innocent kiss at first, but it became more passionate.

“Finn, what are you doing?” I said, pushing him away slightly.

“There’s no one else in this car.” He kissed me again.

“Yeah, but somebody could get on at the next stop!”

“Then we’ll just have to get off before then, won’t we?” He smiled devilishly and resumed kissing me.

He ran his hand up my leg and under my skirt. Somehow I’d forgotten to wear leggings, even though it was winter, and—holy shit! I must have forgotten my pants too because his finger was all the way—

“Rae, we’re almost there.”

I woke up and found myself leaning against the window of the train, with Finn shaking me by the shoulder.

I smiled groggily.

“I’m looking forward to seeing everyone,” he said.

“Yeah, me too.”

***

I gave Karim a hug when he picked us up from the train station. He drove us past Finn’s dad’s house first so Finn could say hi and drop off his bags before we headed over to my mum’s place for tea.

The house was all decked out for Christmas when we got there. I think there was a Santa figure of some sort in every room, one of them even sang and danced.

I gave my mum and sister each a kiss when I got in and my mum gave Finn a hug. He seemed a little uncomfortable about it, which I thought was amusing.

Mum even made Yorkshire puddings because I told her Finn liked them. We ate tea together before Karim drove Finn back to his dad’s house. (It wasn’t too far to walk, but it was already dark and cold out.)

I wished he could have stayed, but there was no room. I already had to share my old bedroom with my sister, since my mum and Karim moved back into the big bedroom. But I was alright with it. It was nice to see my family after they’d been away so long.

***

“Happy Christmas!” said Izzy when we arrived at the pub. She gave me a hug but I was afraid I’d squish her.

“Oh my god, look at you!” I said, taking a step back. “When are you due?”

“About four weeks.” She smoothed her dress over her stomach.

“Well, you look amazing,” I added. “That pregnancy glow isn’t a myth, apparently.”

“Ugh, I feel like a beached whale,” she said as she took her seat again.

“I keep telling her how great she looks,” said Chop. “But she just won’t listen.” He put his arm around her. “I think she’s really sexy like this, don’t you, Finn?”

“I’m not going near that one,” Finn said, looking away.

“Plus, her pregnancy hormones make her super horny—“

“Chop!” Izzy exclaimed, whacking him in the arm.

“You guys are such a married couple,” Chloe said as she took a drink. “Speaking of, how’s domestic life treating you two?” she added to Finn and me.

I shrugged. “It’s fine, I guess.”

It was actually fantastic. It was like having a sleepover with your best friend every night, except there’s also sex and laundry and stuff. It kind of felt like we were playing house, just pretending to be grown-ups, but so far we’d managed to keep ourselves alive so I’d say we were doing pretty well.

Sure, we’d argue occasionally, and sometimes we’d go long periods of time without talking just because we’d run out of things to say, but it was never awkward silence. It was comfortable.

“How’re things with Paul?” I asked her, trying to at least pretend to be interested.

“Oh, well, I’m really not supposed to say anything, but…” She looked around to make sure no one else in the pub could overhear. “He says he’s going to take me to Paris! It’s his Christmas gift to me.”

“That’s great,” I said, feigning enthusiasm. I think she wanted me to feel jealous, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too goddamn happy in my own life, for once.

“That’s so much better than my big news,” said Archie, shaking his head.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing, it’s just… After Christmas I’m going up to visit Rob in Halifax for a few days and meet his family… It’s not a big deal, I realize, but—“

“That is a big deal, Archie,” said Chloe, patting him on the shoulder.

“Yeah, well, it’s no Paris…”

“I think they say that Halifax is the Paris of Yorkshire, right?” Finn said teasingly.

“Shut up.”

***

Everything was changing. Everyone was growing up. Archie was meeting his boyfriend’s parents. Izzy and Chop were about to be parents. Even Chloe seemed to be in a long-term relationship with a guy who maybe wasn’t as terrible as I liked to think he was.

And then there was me and Finn.

Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that Finn and I could be more than just friends. (Well, maybe in some of my wildest dreams…) And I certainly never thought that we’d wind up in love and living together in Bristol.

I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I wasn’t scared anymore. We’d learned from our mistakes and now we’d talk through anything that was bothering us, rather than keeping it bottled up for fear of what the other might think. We trusted each other now.

Not to mention we were having the best sex of my life.

With the lights on, of course.


End file.
